She thrust the last napkin of this month in the already choked dustbin in the washroom. Another month passed and with it the unfertilised egg. And with it grew her mother's frowning tension in the creasing folds around her eyes. Ritwika emerged out of the shower to be greeted by her cousins and a host of other family members for another of her birthday celebrations. Oh! How she hated each 'her'-centric celebration in the house these days. Each of these formalities meant prying eyes of her relatives on how old she had been this year, very curious onlookers into her career prospects and hence relevant matches in the 'lustruous' brahmin community and all the more ravenous eyes smelling some meat into her absent love affairs. The non existent love in her life was a way for the free her to explore more on life and for the homely her to be deified into the cocooned world of her relatives and family as this 'oh-so-virtuous' daughter of the family in the rapacious metropolitan city.
Ritwika made it to the prestigious college in Delhi as an assistant professor. Amidst the Shakespearean 'to be or not to be' and the Keatsian sensuality she has still been struggling like Sisyphus to pronounce that one affirmative to Vihans in her department. She could and she couldn't. How could she openly say yes to an illicit dynamic with a married man? How could she resist his charms in her world almost smitten by his smells all around? While she taught Romeo and Juliet, while she discussed Gordimer's serious flirtation with extra-marital equations, while she immersed in the world of many of her friends' woes, fun and the pains in 'double-timed' romance, all she could sense each time was the fundamental impurity of love. Did it matter in the long run if Radha was an unchaste woman of the Hindu mythology? Did it matter if Ahalya could not resist Indra's sexual charms? Did it matter if Draupadi shared her bed with the five Pandavas and still served in the royal house during the chhadmvas? Did it matter as long as all of these women ultimately accepted marriage and its representation in the husband figure as the sole meaning in their respective lives? Just one touch of vermillion in the parted hair and all the transgressions, all the deviant traits vanish as a heated knife does in the cesspool of hardened butter. Curling and twisting around the corridors of history and mythology while she taught and studied and debated and saw realities all around, all she could feel was an abyss of her lost self - lost in so many different roles, so many different dimensions and in so many different dreams and desires that she at times cursed her birth in the Brahminical, bhadralok of the very 'cultured' and 'educated' family of her lineage?
"Oh! Look how pretty and fair our Ritwika is! How can anyone say no to marrying her. And now that she is posted in such a respectable position in such a reputed college, i am sure Sushant will never be able to say no."
As usual it was Hema Masi yet again pushing forward that NRI, IITian dying to come back to his motherland and settle in delhi.
"He says he wishes to serve the nation and not slog in America all his life. And this is when i thought he was so much in tune with our Ritwika's world of social commitments. Ask Pahun ji to say yes and let us fix the engagement soon enough. There are so many families after the guy. Each day delayed would only harm us in the long run"
This was masi's further nudge.
Ritwika touched her mausa ji's feet and sat beside her dad, well aware that the conversation in the kitchen was merely to inform her of what was transpiring in the drawing room between mausa ji, her dad, her uncle and the other patriarchs.
She asked his cousin, Prabhav, digging into his vada sambhar, "How is life at IIT, Mitthu? Must be placed, huh?"
Prabhav looked at her, "What di? No good prospects this year ya. Very few American companies offered jobs this year. Coupled with the whole economic slump thingie, the OWS has anyway taken a toll. Yahan log wapas aa rahe hain, aur aap placements puchh rahi hain. By the way, you look so cool in this kurta shurta di. He he.." He looked up and winked at her cousin.
If there were any sensible creatures in her family, they were Ritwika's cousins and one of her Buas settled in Canada. She hi-fived at him stealthily.
"Papa, i have an appointment with the international seminar participants today. I shall come back a little late. Hope you guys do not mind my absence. She planted a kiss on her dad's cheek, rushed in to hug her mother in the kitchen and mumbled, "Ask Mitthu, the Amreekan guy is only a loser to be coming back. Ask him to open an NGO at Telhara in Bihar than settle in some posh Civil Lines area in Delhi if he wishes to serve the downtrodden of his motherland."
By the time her masi could gather any word in her mouth, Ritwika had sped of in her modest car out of the apartment.
It was already past three. No sign of Vihans. For the Nth time she called him, his phone was answered by the answering machine. She had had her share of wait. She picked up her bag and was about to move out when suddenly the restaurant dipped in pitch darkness and from one end of the private cabin, emerged a soft musical light. Vihans with his guitar and then the candles all around....the details later just left her in a swoon. She could only feel his tongue slid deeper into her mouth and his hands assure her of his unending love all over her skin in the hotel room late in the evening. For the Nth time she had succumbed herself to the Grecian body of her Miltonic Adam in the Edenic bliss of this forbidden fruit, sinfully chaste in the endless desires of her still virgin body, all this while.
To be continued....
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Here, you and i
I am too close to be a dream for you.
Between the ether and the vapour,
the shhhhs and the dead silence -
are the many pins and nails
that lay under your head.
Turn softly.
I am here beside you -
nowhere far -
lest you hurt
your already bleeding head.
Or is it heart still?
The halfmoon kiss
that feverish breath of your name
Could any of my seamless whispers say
i am here -
in the now.
Much closer than you could ever desire?
You ask too many questions
expecting no easy answers
expect no words.
In the excuse of a home
i just say
i am here.
Not gone.
Not going.
At least for the
here - for the now.
Between the ether and the vapour,
the shhhhs and the dead silence -
are the many pins and nails
that lay under your head.
Turn softly.
I am here beside you -
nowhere far -
lest you hurt
your already bleeding head.
Or is it heart still?
The halfmoon kiss
that feverish breath of your name
Could any of my seamless whispers say
i am here -
in the now.
Much closer than you could ever desire?
You ask too many questions
expecting no easy answers
expect no words.
In the excuse of a home
i just say
i am here.
Not gone.
Not going.
At least for the
here - for the now.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sold and bought in continuum
What does one say
after a night of raw passion?
Sleepless and smitten
when moments are spent
in some form of slutty fidelity
to just one idea for so long.
Having slept over/with it -
all over again
demanding a much higher price this time
when one seems unsatiated
still hungry
still craving
for another sliver of that dirty flesh..
What does one say?
It has been nights now
days also at times
playing the same role
the same game
of mutilated ambitions
of desires lived in the mould
of dreams letched and discarded.
Nails that bit deep into the shoulders
tongue that licked the tiniest crevice of the pores
fingers that caressed each possible skin on the bone
still unsated
What does one say?
How long to remain a fidel prostitute?
For how long this faithful allegience?
Will you let me transcend?
Offer or i leave...
after a night of raw passion?
Sleepless and smitten
when moments are spent
in some form of slutty fidelity
to just one idea for so long.
Having slept over/with it -
all over again
demanding a much higher price this time
when one seems unsatiated
still hungry
still craving
for another sliver of that dirty flesh..
What does one say?
It has been nights now
days also at times
playing the same role
the same game
of mutilated ambitions
of desires lived in the mould
of dreams letched and discarded.
Nails that bit deep into the shoulders
tongue that licked the tiniest crevice of the pores
fingers that caressed each possible skin on the bone
still unsated
What does one say?
How long to remain a fidel prostitute?
For how long this faithful allegience?
Will you let me transcend?
Offer or i leave...
Lying eyes....;)
Between the idea and the dream
between sheets of guilt and shame
between you and me
lie these eyes...
Between unsaid words
and unexpressed syntaxes
between the days and these daylights
succumbs the victory...
I thought you made me win
or that i let you lose
but between this and that
lie our bodies...
Entwined and curled
all along the smoky curls
of time and moments
frozen and at once fluid
lie endless deceits -
these lying promises....
Between you and me
lie these ever-lying eyes...
between sheets of guilt and shame
between you and me
lie these eyes...
Between unsaid words
and unexpressed syntaxes
between the days and these daylights
succumbs the victory...
I thought you made me win
or that i let you lose
but between this and that
lie our bodies...
Entwined and curled
all along the smoky curls
of time and moments
frozen and at once fluid
lie endless deceits -
these lying promises....
Between you and me
lie these ever-lying eyes...
Monday, January 2, 2012
1 AFSB, Dehradun : Interview
My interview happened for 1.5 hours. The interview was conducted by Group Captain, C.P.Joshi. Here is an attempt to revisit the same. I shall denote him as IO, interviewing officer, and myself as S. Also, i shall keep adding to the questions as and when i remember the very few that have slipped out of my memory. And the order of questions were as random as presented. They never were consistent in their theme. However, i confess, this is not the exactly same sequence, though very close.
S- Good Morning, sir!
IO- Good morning, (fumbles with the name)
S- Shubhra-astha, sir (smiling)
IO- Yes, Shubhrastha. Lovely name. Please have a seat and tell me what does your name mean?
S- Shubhrastha comprises of Shubhra or resplendent and pure and Astha is belief.
IO- Hmm. Thoughtful. Hmm. Ok, i have given a document check and have decided to skip asking you questions on current events and happenings. Shall we move ahead to having a frank, open talk, Shubhra(fumbles again)stha?
S- Yes sir
IO- I gather that you appeared for a SSB last time too. What went wrong? Where was it? How was it? When did you appear for the same? And why this time again?
(I kept counting on my finger tips the number of sub-questions shot at)
S- Sir, my last SSB happened at AFSB, Mysore beginning on the 27th of June. It was an amazing and enriching experience. I guess nothing went wrong as such. Perhaps i was meant to improve on myself and come again this time. My non-recommendation last time meant an opportunity to rework on my personality and gear myself in a better way to join the Indian Air Force. Precisely this is why i am here again.
IO- How is Delhi?
S-It is cold at this time of the year, sir. But generally speaking, it is an open world in itself and offers one plenty to choose from its platter.
IO-Did you sleep well last night, Shubhrastha? I am sure Dehradun is very cold. Any problems?
S- Yes sir, i slept well. Dehradun is cold. But more than five years in Delhi have helped me cope up with extremes of weather.
IO- How did you prepare yourself for the SSB this time? And where do you live in Delhi?
S- Sir, i made sure i work on my physical training and jogged everyday to build up my stamina. Last time i left a few hurdles. I made sure that i build up my stamina this time to see me through. Also, rather than on merely reading and learning, i focused on the application part of knowledge. Sir i live near North Campus in Delhi.(I did not want to mention the locality for it is a UPSC hub)
IO- Hmm i see. So how much did you jog each day? And where near North Campus do you live? Where did you jog? And when did you jog?
S- Sir, i have recently shifted to Nehru Vihar. Prior to that i lived in campus and jogged in the campus premises. It is pretty huge and i could cover around 7 kms a day, sir. It was either morning or evening.
IO- Tell me your daily routine. Tell me what do you do on weekdays and what on weekends?
S- Sir, since i have already completed my MA and hence have no classes around, all my days are as free or as busy as a holiday. I get up around 6. Go for a jog. Come back by eight. Have my breakfast. Read up the newspaper, watch movies, catch up with friends, study a little bit, visit places. It is more of a relaxed time with me.
IO- I see. Why did you not consider a job? I mean with your degree i am sure you could easily avail many offers.
S- Right, sir. After a month in the corporate sector i realised that i am not cut out for a 9 to 5 job in a cabin. Meanwhile, my AFCAT results this year and my SSB last year were constant reminders to see me through career worries. Therefore, to engage myself and be self reliant, i have been doing freelance writing and teaching sporadically.
IO- Has your work ever been published? Where do you write? What have you written?
S- Sir, Sahara Times published one of my articles during my last year in graduation. I generally blog. I have written company portfolios, proposals, worked on similar assignments.
IO- Tell me three instances when you felt you might just breakdown. And how did you overcome those?
S- (Thinking) Sir, i generally do not break down that easily. Oh yes! There was a time just recently. It was my MA first semester and i fell ill. Performed really bad in my university exams. But i pulled myself up and saw to it that i improve my scores thereafter. Then, there were my annual exams in standard eighth when my mother fell ill. She had a severe attack of Sciatica and Arthritis. It was the time when i had to manage the household affairs and study. A little testing a time. But then we shifted to my father's school for it would have made things easier and slowly one pulled oneself up. (thinking again) Well, this is what i can gather at the moment, sir. Though i must say that after i landed in Delhi for the first time, i felt very alienated. Missed home a lot. But slowly, adjusted to the ways of the place.
IO- Why did you not continue in Army School itself for your plus two? Why DPS, Bokaro? And why do you feel alienated in Delhi?
S- Sir, my AISSCE results were petty good to see me through the admission process at DPS, Bokaro. The school is among the top five in India, close from my place in Patna and offered a good exposure. Plus, my father was pretty keen to send me out for higher studies considering the law and order situation in Bihar then. So, this became an obvious choice. Sir, i said i felt alienated in Delhi when i came. I am completely at ease now. Have friends here and life has become too busy to brood over unproductive thoughts now.
IO- Do you mean to say Army School was not good enough to provide you an exposure? And do you feel there are no good schools in Patna?
S-Absolutely not sir. Patna has changed for a better scenario today especially after the regime change post-RJD. But in 2004 when i passed out, the situation was not very good. Hence, that decision was taken. Army School is undoubtedly a very good institution. In fact, most of my debates at regional, command, cluster and national levels happened there. I am proud to be a part of its legacy. The year i passed out was the first year that the first batch for twelfth appeared for their boards. DPS, Bokaro, in contrast, is acclaimed for its academic reputation. Hence, one chose the latter. Sir there are plenty of good schools in Patna; St. Joseph's Convent, St. Xavier's, Notre Dame, St. Michele's, Don Bosco being a few famous ones.
IO- You said you do not have a boyfriend? Why is that so?
( I am alarmed. I did not mention it anywhere. He never even asked!!!!!!!)
S- Sir, i do not remember having mentioned it.But yes i have no boyfriend but i have loads of friends among both the genders.
IO(smiling)- Name some friends.
S- Jagdish, Amit, Rupali
IO- And you are sure Jagdish is not your boyfriend?
S- Yes, sir. Pretty sure.
IO- How so? Have you talked to him about it?
S- Sir one never felt the need to. Amit and Jagdish are very close friends and we are so friendly with each other that the question of romance does not even figure anywhere. Besides, Jagdish has a girlfriend(i said this to avoid any further query on the same.)
IO- Ok, Shubhrastha, tell me why did you feel lonely in Delhi? And don't you think having a boyfriend would have made life easier for you? How did you cope up with the loneliness? Did you not feel that any of your male friends would have made a good boyfriend for you? Why are you so against relationships? Do you think that they are bad? Has anybody ever proposed to you?
(!!!!!!!!!!!!I took a deep breath.)
S- Sir, i believe that relationships happen at their own pace and that emotions either figure or don't. To make oneself feel better and hence indulge in manipulating a friendly relationship into romance is something that personally i am not comfortable with. Though, i believe that love and relationships are good for those who can handle the same. So, no i do not think they are bad at all. I felt lonely in Delhi because when i landed there, teh city appeared too huge and similarly the exposure especially when i resided on my own for the first year in college. At DPS, Bokaro, my mother used to frequent between Patna and Bokaro but in Delhi such visits were rendered infrequent. However, i got so engrossed in my debates and classes within barely a month that i had no time for such thoughts later. Also, because i was busy, did not have time for relationships. Yes, sir. A couple of guys did propose to me. But i never felt like accepting any proposal.
(OH MY GOD! Phew!)
IO- Why did you not take any coaching for SSB? I assume that you did not. Or did you? Do you not think the officers in Delhi who train the candidates are very efficient?
S-Yes sir, your assumption is correct. I did not coach myself for SSB. I am sure that the officers who train candidates are very efficient and capable. But my past experience in Mysore and my stint with a couple of blogs on the internet strengthened my belief in the fact that SSBs are all about a psychological testing field. And it is best to be natural with one's response than give standard, repetitive, coached answers.
IO- How come your mother frequented you in Bokaro? Did you not stay in a hostel? (Reading the form closely) Hmmm, it says you were a day boarder there. Ok.
(I am puzzled whether it is question or a self-addressed monologue!!!!!!!)
S- Sir, DPS, Bokaro has no hostel of its own. So i had to stay out. Plus, my mother used to freqently visit me because the distance between Patna and Bokaro was not that great.
IO- Then, how did you manage food? How did your father, and your younger brothers manage the same? Wasn't it stressful for your mother? Don't you feel responsible for so much of tumult?
S- Sir, I cooked or dined in the common mess or depended on tiffin delivery system as per my requirements. The rest of the family did the same. Regarding my mother, i am sure, this was stressful but she has always been this determined lady who believes in fulfilling her roles well. Even if anyone of us intervene, she suggests that individuals should be left free to follow their will. And no sir, i do not feel i am responsible for any tumult for there has been none. It has been a phase of time when the strength of a family is tested and all of us have been thoroughly enjoying this experience.
IO- Who are you the closest to in your family? Tell me about your family.
S- Ours is a five-membered family. My parents and three siblings. I have two younger brothers. I am the eldest among my siblings. Our family is pretty close knit. We are very open about our lives and hence close to each other. But yes, the levels of connection is different. The same thing told to my dad is different in tone and quality than when shared with my brothers.
IO-(laughs) Shubhrastha, do you abuse? How often? Do you feel it is right to abuse?
S- Sir, i have a pretty controlled verbal response in the most trying of situations. So, i do abuse but in very very extreme situations. Regarding whether it is right or not, (i smile), it is totally circumstantial, situational and subjective.
IO- Explain. When did you abuse last? And what do these heavily loaded adjectives mean(laughing now)
S- Sir, i can not recall the latest instance of my abuse. But a fresh memory is when i was eve teased and could not control myself. Regarding the latter part of your question, (smiling) as a person being interviewed by an Air Force Officer in his cabin, i personally will not abuse however 'testing' the circumstance and situation.
IO-(laughing loudly) Do you want to abuse, by the way?
S-Absolutely not sir. I am really enjoying the interview. Plus, let me confess. For the lack of a better example on feet then, i chose to say that.
IO-Just joking, i get what you mean. Ok Shubhrastha, you said you have lot of friends. Are they males or females? Whom do you find better.
S- Sir, i have friends across ages and genders. But yes i gel more easily with boys than girls. Though, i have some very good female friends.
IO- You have been this law abiding person throughout. Tell me something. Your friends must have been easily irritated by you for this habit. How did you tackle that?
S- Sir, i believe that the very fact that i have been a law abiding person has helped me receive lot of respect from my friends which is quite an achievement. Yes, they have had minor bouts irritation by my disciplinarian attitude at times but in the long run, i feel that they too acknowledge the fact that the person i am is defined partly by the values and ethics i believe in. Plus sir, i believe very firmly that rules and regulations are core principals of an efficient society, however big or small, however free or bound. Therefore, while in school, one needs to abide by institutional rules to learn to value codes of conduct unquestioningly and inculcate a respect for order within, in college, the very same foundation allows one to swear by self imposed regulations when there are on strict rules on behavior and conduct by and large. Freedom does not mean chaos, after all.
IO- Do you never chill out with your friends? How do you chill out? Have you never done anything beyond rules? Are you always within regulations?
S-Sir, i always have fun time with my friends. In fact, i am a very jolly person in my disposition around them. We hang around a lot, chat, laugh, watch movies and do fun things together. By and large, i have not broken any major rules or regulations, sir.
IO- Why can't you gel well with females? Are they jealous of you? And why more with males?
S- Sir, i gel well with females too. In fact, i have lived in a girls' hostel for five years and have made some good friends there. I think i get along easily with male friends because i feel freer with them. I understand that it is all a cultural, social programming that guys are more spontaneous than girls in our society. But yes, i guess that is a reason why i am more comfortable with them.
IO- What do you talk with your female friends and what with your male friends? Is there something that you would rather discuss with your male friends than your female friends?
S- There is nothing that i can not talk with either of them. (thinking) I guess if i have to discuss politics, and entertainment and sports and trip plans simultaneously, i would choose my male friends over female ones. I would choose to share my post-depression phase with them. For emotional turmoils, i would go to my mother who is my very close friend.
IO- So, are you saying that girls are frivolous?
(UffffffffffffOH)
S- No sir. Absolutely not.
IO- Hmm you do not discuss politics with them.
S- Sir i said would choose male friends over female friends if i have to discuss a couple of things together. And it just may be that i have not met many girls who are as spontaneous and open. May be, i shall have better luck with female colleagues later.
IO-Did you not lose weight after your jog schedule?
S-Sir, i did not check. I am sure i am fit and healthy, though.
IO- Tell me two weaknesses in you.
S- I am short tempered with impunctual and irresponsible behaviour. I tend to be over analytical towards my failures.
IO- Is the latter a bad thing?
S- When it begins to leech onto one's productivity, it is.
IO- Do you know how to deal with it then?
S- Yes sir, i try to keep myself as busy as possible to evade such questions for long.
IO- Shubhrastha, tell me one instance where you have actually chilled out with friends. Like climbing up a tree and jumping.
(What the hell! I mean who does that? Anyway, i was prodded on to share a moment with him! God! He is so insistent on prying!)
S-Well, sir i have moved out with friends and had a round of booz.(May be this should placate his nerves!!!!! Was a little perturbed for i used the very informal 'booz'. But then he too used 'chilled out'. Anyway, i quickly added...) Sir, sharing a couple of drinks is, i am sure, not a very unusual thing to do and raise eyebrows at this age. But that sitting out and doing so at a public place when one is below the legally permissible age is what made it adventurous.
IO- So you do break rules. (Grinning by now)
S- (Smiling)Yes, sir. Within my self imposed permissible limits i have broken them.
IO- So, did you check out booz points in Dehradun?
S- No sir. (A) Primarily, because it is not a trip to chill out, however memorable the stay and group of friends i have made here. And (B) because i share drinks with a very select group of people.
IO- Why the Indian Air Force when the world is out open for a candidate like you?
S- Sir, there are different ways of achieving a target. One chooses how one goes about it. I want to serve my nation. And wish to do the way defence personnels do it - being at the thick of adventures and protecting the nation so that the others function in safe zones. To provide security and safety so that the nation prospers is a life style that demands discipline and commitment. I wish to follow that lead. And hence, the Air Force, sir.
IO-Then, why did you not apply earlier?
S- Sir, if you notice, i wish to join the education sector. And in order to do so, i needed to complete my post-graduation. Immediately after i was eligible to apply, i promptly did so in the final semester of my MA course.
IO- You have lived in Delhi for quite sometime now. Did you face any uncalled for sexual advances? If you did, how did you tackle that? If you did not, why do you think you did not?
S-Sir, i have been fortunate to have not faced any overt incident till date. While i do recognise that such incidents are common and most of the times unpredictable, it is also true that personal sense of safety and security always helps one avoid most of the cases. I have an ability to keep people at bay with my body language and demeanor. In case of small, almost insignificant incidents to be mentioned as sexual advances, i have resorted to making a very strict appearance and taking advantage of the other person's vulnerable situation on a back-off mode, i have escaped to a safer zone. I believe that a lot can be prevented by keeping oneself alert and conscious towards any such untoward situation, in however mild a form.
IO- Do you know what does your work demand? What kind of works would you do here?
S- Sir, the work here demands an unfettered zeal and energy. It involves risk taking abilities and ways to counter testing situations. Not just hard work but intelligent work is required in the profile i opt for. Sir, as an Education officer in the Indian Air Force, i shall be expected to participating in the training of cadets, management of Air Force Schools, conduction and management of various exams and all such works that comes under the broader ambit of education.
IO- That is all right. But then why not serve the nation by doing the same thing anywhere else? Say as an educationist.
S- Because the nature of work profile and environment offered here is unparalleled. I do understand that with the degree at hand, i can be a pure educationist. But i wish to expand my horizon. I wish to do things beyond lectures and seminars. The strict discipline, alertness and sense of valour attached to the work here is unmatched. Sir, i shall be an educationist and full stop at some place. But i shall be an educationist and many more here.
IO- Where would you like to work? In small places or big cities?
S- Anywhere. I am open to serving anywhere. In small places, to work from the scratch is a temptation to excel and be creative. The number of challenges are huge and hence enriching in the experiences they offer. On the other hand, big cities offer better access to opportunities and technology. That is a unique experience in itself. Any place which requires my service, is my preference, sir.
IO- Shubhrastha, what kind of people do you hate?
S- People who waste time and people who do not know what they are talking.
IO- Thank you, Shubhrastha. It was a pleasure talking to you.
S- Thank you, sir.
S- Good Morning, sir!
IO- Good morning, (fumbles with the name)
S- Shubhra-astha, sir (smiling)
IO- Yes, Shubhrastha. Lovely name. Please have a seat and tell me what does your name mean?
S- Shubhrastha comprises of Shubhra or resplendent and pure and Astha is belief.
IO- Hmm. Thoughtful. Hmm. Ok, i have given a document check and have decided to skip asking you questions on current events and happenings. Shall we move ahead to having a frank, open talk, Shubhra(fumbles again)stha?
S- Yes sir
IO- I gather that you appeared for a SSB last time too. What went wrong? Where was it? How was it? When did you appear for the same? And why this time again?
(I kept counting on my finger tips the number of sub-questions shot at)
S- Sir, my last SSB happened at AFSB, Mysore beginning on the 27th of June. It was an amazing and enriching experience. I guess nothing went wrong as such. Perhaps i was meant to improve on myself and come again this time. My non-recommendation last time meant an opportunity to rework on my personality and gear myself in a better way to join the Indian Air Force. Precisely this is why i am here again.
IO- How is Delhi?
S-It is cold at this time of the year, sir. But generally speaking, it is an open world in itself and offers one plenty to choose from its platter.
IO-Did you sleep well last night, Shubhrastha? I am sure Dehradun is very cold. Any problems?
S- Yes sir, i slept well. Dehradun is cold. But more than five years in Delhi have helped me cope up with extremes of weather.
IO- How did you prepare yourself for the SSB this time? And where do you live in Delhi?
S- Sir, i made sure i work on my physical training and jogged everyday to build up my stamina. Last time i left a few hurdles. I made sure that i build up my stamina this time to see me through. Also, rather than on merely reading and learning, i focused on the application part of knowledge. Sir i live near North Campus in Delhi.(I did not want to mention the locality for it is a UPSC hub)
IO- Hmm i see. So how much did you jog each day? And where near North Campus do you live? Where did you jog? And when did you jog?
S- Sir, i have recently shifted to Nehru Vihar. Prior to that i lived in campus and jogged in the campus premises. It is pretty huge and i could cover around 7 kms a day, sir. It was either morning or evening.
IO- Tell me your daily routine. Tell me what do you do on weekdays and what on weekends?
S- Sir, since i have already completed my MA and hence have no classes around, all my days are as free or as busy as a holiday. I get up around 6. Go for a jog. Come back by eight. Have my breakfast. Read up the newspaper, watch movies, catch up with friends, study a little bit, visit places. It is more of a relaxed time with me.
IO- I see. Why did you not consider a job? I mean with your degree i am sure you could easily avail many offers.
S- Right, sir. After a month in the corporate sector i realised that i am not cut out for a 9 to 5 job in a cabin. Meanwhile, my AFCAT results this year and my SSB last year were constant reminders to see me through career worries. Therefore, to engage myself and be self reliant, i have been doing freelance writing and teaching sporadically.
IO- Has your work ever been published? Where do you write? What have you written?
S- Sir, Sahara Times published one of my articles during my last year in graduation. I generally blog. I have written company portfolios, proposals, worked on similar assignments.
IO- Tell me three instances when you felt you might just breakdown. And how did you overcome those?
S- (Thinking) Sir, i generally do not break down that easily. Oh yes! There was a time just recently. It was my MA first semester and i fell ill. Performed really bad in my university exams. But i pulled myself up and saw to it that i improve my scores thereafter. Then, there were my annual exams in standard eighth when my mother fell ill. She had a severe attack of Sciatica and Arthritis. It was the time when i had to manage the household affairs and study. A little testing a time. But then we shifted to my father's school for it would have made things easier and slowly one pulled oneself up. (thinking again) Well, this is what i can gather at the moment, sir. Though i must say that after i landed in Delhi for the first time, i felt very alienated. Missed home a lot. But slowly, adjusted to the ways of the place.
IO- Why did you not continue in Army School itself for your plus two? Why DPS, Bokaro? And why do you feel alienated in Delhi?
S- Sir, my AISSCE results were petty good to see me through the admission process at DPS, Bokaro. The school is among the top five in India, close from my place in Patna and offered a good exposure. Plus, my father was pretty keen to send me out for higher studies considering the law and order situation in Bihar then. So, this became an obvious choice. Sir, i said i felt alienated in Delhi when i came. I am completely at ease now. Have friends here and life has become too busy to brood over unproductive thoughts now.
IO- Do you mean to say Army School was not good enough to provide you an exposure? And do you feel there are no good schools in Patna?
S-Absolutely not sir. Patna has changed for a better scenario today especially after the regime change post-RJD. But in 2004 when i passed out, the situation was not very good. Hence, that decision was taken. Army School is undoubtedly a very good institution. In fact, most of my debates at regional, command, cluster and national levels happened there. I am proud to be a part of its legacy. The year i passed out was the first year that the first batch for twelfth appeared for their boards. DPS, Bokaro, in contrast, is acclaimed for its academic reputation. Hence, one chose the latter. Sir there are plenty of good schools in Patna; St. Joseph's Convent, St. Xavier's, Notre Dame, St. Michele's, Don Bosco being a few famous ones.
IO- You said you do not have a boyfriend? Why is that so?
( I am alarmed. I did not mention it anywhere. He never even asked!!!!!!!)
S- Sir, i do not remember having mentioned it.But yes i have no boyfriend but i have loads of friends among both the genders.
IO(smiling)- Name some friends.
S- Jagdish, Amit, Rupali
IO- And you are sure Jagdish is not your boyfriend?
S- Yes, sir. Pretty sure.
IO- How so? Have you talked to him about it?
S- Sir one never felt the need to. Amit and Jagdish are very close friends and we are so friendly with each other that the question of romance does not even figure anywhere. Besides, Jagdish has a girlfriend(i said this to avoid any further query on the same.)
IO- Ok, Shubhrastha, tell me why did you feel lonely in Delhi? And don't you think having a boyfriend would have made life easier for you? How did you cope up with the loneliness? Did you not feel that any of your male friends would have made a good boyfriend for you? Why are you so against relationships? Do you think that they are bad? Has anybody ever proposed to you?
(!!!!!!!!!!!!I took a deep breath.)
S- Sir, i believe that relationships happen at their own pace and that emotions either figure or don't. To make oneself feel better and hence indulge in manipulating a friendly relationship into romance is something that personally i am not comfortable with. Though, i believe that love and relationships are good for those who can handle the same. So, no i do not think they are bad at all. I felt lonely in Delhi because when i landed there, teh city appeared too huge and similarly the exposure especially when i resided on my own for the first year in college. At DPS, Bokaro, my mother used to frequent between Patna and Bokaro but in Delhi such visits were rendered infrequent. However, i got so engrossed in my debates and classes within barely a month that i had no time for such thoughts later. Also, because i was busy, did not have time for relationships. Yes, sir. A couple of guys did propose to me. But i never felt like accepting any proposal.
(OH MY GOD! Phew!)
IO- Why did you not take any coaching for SSB? I assume that you did not. Or did you? Do you not think the officers in Delhi who train the candidates are very efficient?
S-Yes sir, your assumption is correct. I did not coach myself for SSB. I am sure that the officers who train candidates are very efficient and capable. But my past experience in Mysore and my stint with a couple of blogs on the internet strengthened my belief in the fact that SSBs are all about a psychological testing field. And it is best to be natural with one's response than give standard, repetitive, coached answers.
IO- How come your mother frequented you in Bokaro? Did you not stay in a hostel? (Reading the form closely) Hmmm, it says you were a day boarder there. Ok.
(I am puzzled whether it is question or a self-addressed monologue!!!!!!!)
S- Sir, DPS, Bokaro has no hostel of its own. So i had to stay out. Plus, my mother used to freqently visit me because the distance between Patna and Bokaro was not that great.
IO- Then, how did you manage food? How did your father, and your younger brothers manage the same? Wasn't it stressful for your mother? Don't you feel responsible for so much of tumult?
S- Sir, I cooked or dined in the common mess or depended on tiffin delivery system as per my requirements. The rest of the family did the same. Regarding my mother, i am sure, this was stressful but she has always been this determined lady who believes in fulfilling her roles well. Even if anyone of us intervene, she suggests that individuals should be left free to follow their will. And no sir, i do not feel i am responsible for any tumult for there has been none. It has been a phase of time when the strength of a family is tested and all of us have been thoroughly enjoying this experience.
IO- Who are you the closest to in your family? Tell me about your family.
S- Ours is a five-membered family. My parents and three siblings. I have two younger brothers. I am the eldest among my siblings. Our family is pretty close knit. We are very open about our lives and hence close to each other. But yes, the levels of connection is different. The same thing told to my dad is different in tone and quality than when shared with my brothers.
IO-(laughs) Shubhrastha, do you abuse? How often? Do you feel it is right to abuse?
S- Sir, i have a pretty controlled verbal response in the most trying of situations. So, i do abuse but in very very extreme situations. Regarding whether it is right or not, (i smile), it is totally circumstantial, situational and subjective.
IO- Explain. When did you abuse last? And what do these heavily loaded adjectives mean(laughing now)
S- Sir, i can not recall the latest instance of my abuse. But a fresh memory is when i was eve teased and could not control myself. Regarding the latter part of your question, (smiling) as a person being interviewed by an Air Force Officer in his cabin, i personally will not abuse however 'testing' the circumstance and situation.
IO-(laughing loudly) Do you want to abuse, by the way?
S-Absolutely not sir. I am really enjoying the interview. Plus, let me confess. For the lack of a better example on feet then, i chose to say that.
IO-Just joking, i get what you mean. Ok Shubhrastha, you said you have lot of friends. Are they males or females? Whom do you find better.
S- Sir, i have friends across ages and genders. But yes i gel more easily with boys than girls. Though, i have some very good female friends.
IO- You have been this law abiding person throughout. Tell me something. Your friends must have been easily irritated by you for this habit. How did you tackle that?
S- Sir, i believe that the very fact that i have been a law abiding person has helped me receive lot of respect from my friends which is quite an achievement. Yes, they have had minor bouts irritation by my disciplinarian attitude at times but in the long run, i feel that they too acknowledge the fact that the person i am is defined partly by the values and ethics i believe in. Plus sir, i believe very firmly that rules and regulations are core principals of an efficient society, however big or small, however free or bound. Therefore, while in school, one needs to abide by institutional rules to learn to value codes of conduct unquestioningly and inculcate a respect for order within, in college, the very same foundation allows one to swear by self imposed regulations when there are on strict rules on behavior and conduct by and large. Freedom does not mean chaos, after all.
IO- Do you never chill out with your friends? How do you chill out? Have you never done anything beyond rules? Are you always within regulations?
S-Sir, i always have fun time with my friends. In fact, i am a very jolly person in my disposition around them. We hang around a lot, chat, laugh, watch movies and do fun things together. By and large, i have not broken any major rules or regulations, sir.
IO- Why can't you gel well with females? Are they jealous of you? And why more with males?
S- Sir, i gel well with females too. In fact, i have lived in a girls' hostel for five years and have made some good friends there. I think i get along easily with male friends because i feel freer with them. I understand that it is all a cultural, social programming that guys are more spontaneous than girls in our society. But yes, i guess that is a reason why i am more comfortable with them.
IO- What do you talk with your female friends and what with your male friends? Is there something that you would rather discuss with your male friends than your female friends?
S- There is nothing that i can not talk with either of them. (thinking) I guess if i have to discuss politics, and entertainment and sports and trip plans simultaneously, i would choose my male friends over female ones. I would choose to share my post-depression phase with them. For emotional turmoils, i would go to my mother who is my very close friend.
IO- So, are you saying that girls are frivolous?
(UffffffffffffOH)
S- No sir. Absolutely not.
IO- Hmm you do not discuss politics with them.
S- Sir i said would choose male friends over female friends if i have to discuss a couple of things together. And it just may be that i have not met many girls who are as spontaneous and open. May be, i shall have better luck with female colleagues later.
IO-Did you not lose weight after your jog schedule?
S-Sir, i did not check. I am sure i am fit and healthy, though.
IO- Tell me two weaknesses in you.
S- I am short tempered with impunctual and irresponsible behaviour. I tend to be over analytical towards my failures.
IO- Is the latter a bad thing?
S- When it begins to leech onto one's productivity, it is.
IO- Do you know how to deal with it then?
S- Yes sir, i try to keep myself as busy as possible to evade such questions for long.
IO- Shubhrastha, tell me one instance where you have actually chilled out with friends. Like climbing up a tree and jumping.
(What the hell! I mean who does that? Anyway, i was prodded on to share a moment with him! God! He is so insistent on prying!)
S-Well, sir i have moved out with friends and had a round of booz.(May be this should placate his nerves!!!!! Was a little perturbed for i used the very informal 'booz'. But then he too used 'chilled out'. Anyway, i quickly added...) Sir, sharing a couple of drinks is, i am sure, not a very unusual thing to do and raise eyebrows at this age. But that sitting out and doing so at a public place when one is below the legally permissible age is what made it adventurous.
IO- So you do break rules. (Grinning by now)
S- (Smiling)Yes, sir. Within my self imposed permissible limits i have broken them.
IO- So, did you check out booz points in Dehradun?
S- No sir. (A) Primarily, because it is not a trip to chill out, however memorable the stay and group of friends i have made here. And (B) because i share drinks with a very select group of people.
IO- Why the Indian Air Force when the world is out open for a candidate like you?
S- Sir, there are different ways of achieving a target. One chooses how one goes about it. I want to serve my nation. And wish to do the way defence personnels do it - being at the thick of adventures and protecting the nation so that the others function in safe zones. To provide security and safety so that the nation prospers is a life style that demands discipline and commitment. I wish to follow that lead. And hence, the Air Force, sir.
IO-Then, why did you not apply earlier?
S- Sir, if you notice, i wish to join the education sector. And in order to do so, i needed to complete my post-graduation. Immediately after i was eligible to apply, i promptly did so in the final semester of my MA course.
IO- You have lived in Delhi for quite sometime now. Did you face any uncalled for sexual advances? If you did, how did you tackle that? If you did not, why do you think you did not?
S-Sir, i have been fortunate to have not faced any overt incident till date. While i do recognise that such incidents are common and most of the times unpredictable, it is also true that personal sense of safety and security always helps one avoid most of the cases. I have an ability to keep people at bay with my body language and demeanor. In case of small, almost insignificant incidents to be mentioned as sexual advances, i have resorted to making a very strict appearance and taking advantage of the other person's vulnerable situation on a back-off mode, i have escaped to a safer zone. I believe that a lot can be prevented by keeping oneself alert and conscious towards any such untoward situation, in however mild a form.
IO- Do you know what does your work demand? What kind of works would you do here?
S- Sir, the work here demands an unfettered zeal and energy. It involves risk taking abilities and ways to counter testing situations. Not just hard work but intelligent work is required in the profile i opt for. Sir, as an Education officer in the Indian Air Force, i shall be expected to participating in the training of cadets, management of Air Force Schools, conduction and management of various exams and all such works that comes under the broader ambit of education.
IO- That is all right. But then why not serve the nation by doing the same thing anywhere else? Say as an educationist.
S- Because the nature of work profile and environment offered here is unparalleled. I do understand that with the degree at hand, i can be a pure educationist. But i wish to expand my horizon. I wish to do things beyond lectures and seminars. The strict discipline, alertness and sense of valour attached to the work here is unmatched. Sir, i shall be an educationist and full stop at some place. But i shall be an educationist and many more here.
IO- Where would you like to work? In small places or big cities?
S- Anywhere. I am open to serving anywhere. In small places, to work from the scratch is a temptation to excel and be creative. The number of challenges are huge and hence enriching in the experiences they offer. On the other hand, big cities offer better access to opportunities and technology. That is a unique experience in itself. Any place which requires my service, is my preference, sir.
IO- Shubhrastha, what kind of people do you hate?
S- People who waste time and people who do not know what they are talking.
IO- Thank you, Shubhrastha. It was a pleasure talking to you.
S- Thank you, sir.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Orphaned desire
It is an orphaned desire.
Sickened by the halfmoon dew
on my lip stained verse
half sung,
half awaiting perhaps -
the heal on scrapped knees.
Did you, did you ever see the words lisp?
Your own words -
breathing in my vaporous syntax
frozen in the nights of skinny details.
Indeed they were yours
will remain only yours -
Making love to the cliffs and folds
of the endless sky,
to the steel grey gun of a steely resolve.
Can i ask?
Did you ever feign love, then or now?
Each time those reluctant tears well up
Those sharp tearing fingers scrap the throat
Can i ask then,
Could you possibly feign it enough?
It is a mild smell on my skin -
Lazy and reluctant whispers of fragrances.
Cut deeper, much much deeper
Let the blood cleanse
the muscles
the bones.
Cut deep enough to leave a gap.
A wide yawn in that thesaurus full of desires
A skinny limb to those yellow, fading branches.
Empty the trash cans
the memories
the nothing-something stains, marks.
Erase, erase.
Cut and scrape.
And at last collapse
with a tired thud.
Drugged, intoxicated
Totally totally destroyed.
Totally broken.
Sickened by the halfmoon dew
on my lip stained verse
half sung,
half awaiting perhaps -
the heal on scrapped knees.
Did you, did you ever see the words lisp?
Your own words -
breathing in my vaporous syntax
frozen in the nights of skinny details.
Indeed they were yours
will remain only yours -
Making love to the cliffs and folds
of the endless sky,
to the steel grey gun of a steely resolve.
Can i ask?
Did you ever feign love, then or now?
Each time those reluctant tears well up
Those sharp tearing fingers scrap the throat
Can i ask then,
Could you possibly feign it enough?
It is a mild smell on my skin -
Lazy and reluctant whispers of fragrances.
Cut deeper, much much deeper
Let the blood cleanse
the muscles
the bones.
Cut deep enough to leave a gap.
A wide yawn in that thesaurus full of desires
A skinny limb to those yellow, fading branches.
Empty the trash cans
the memories
the nothing-something stains, marks.
Erase, erase.
Cut and scrape.
And at last collapse
with a tired thud.
Drugged, intoxicated
Totally totally destroyed.
Totally broken.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
मैं और सुबह
बेशर्म सी सुबह
मुंह उठाये चली आती है.
हर रोज़ -
बिना पूछे.
नेपथ्य में एक और दिन बीत जाता है
और उसके साथ ही एक संभावना.
बड़ी अजीब सी दुनिया है यहाँ
जहाँ किश्तों में ही ज़िन्दगी का रंग है
जहाँ तिल तिल कर जीना ही
एकमात्र सच है.
इसलिए बस एकदम ऐसे ही
तिल तिल कर आती है ज़िन्दगी
हर रोज़
बिना बुलाये
मेरे पास
सुबह की बासी उबासी में लिपटी
रात के सपनों का क़र्ज़ उठाये
शायद एक नई उम्मीद की खातिर
या शायद
ज़िन्दगी को जीने का बहाना बनाने.
कौन जाने क्या बला है
हर वह कल वाली सुबह
कल वाला ही दिन
कल वाली ही बात.
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