Love - is it?? Part One

Siddhant frantically looked for that one emotion in Avani's eyes. But all that could pass in those dark recesses were indifference, a cold detached air. She wasn't mad at him, she did not hate him, she did not ever accuse him with anything. She was merely cold towards him. Siddhant stood as hungry for her love as the street urchins are for one decent meal in a day.

"How do you manage to look so beautiful all the time, Darling!" Siddhant said and planted an obligatory kiss on Avani's cheek.

Avani looked at him straight and asked, "For how long are you going out Siddhant?" He looked at her again, a little perplexed.

"Avani my work profile demands travel, dearie. I can't help it. And you know i can't afford to take you to all the places i visit for work, don't you? Why do you always complicate things for me? Look, you knew this even when we were dating, right? I need my space. I need my sanity to work in peace. Avani, be the girl you were ya! You had this spark. You were vivacious, naughty, full of life, you were MY Avani. What changed for you so drastically yar? We are married. But that's about it. Why have you changed so much? I am getting sick of this Indianised, archetypal feminine self in you!"

Siddhant slammed the washroom door and left the bedroom to Avani, as cold as the dead stones on a winter night. The sky had begun to embrace the bleeding early morning sun on the horizon. Avani got up and made her way into the kitchen. She had to finish off with preparing breakfast and fixing up lunch for the day before Siddhant could drop her to her college on his way to the airport.

"Avani, i forgot ya. Take Maa for her routine check-up today. And yes on your way back from work, ask my secretary to hand over to you the file for a collaborative project with Sanders& Brothers. Yar, i am sure you could write a really decent proposal for the same. And mail me the same by late evening. The success of this project has the potential to make us the best service providers in the country. Avani, i am so happy ya. You indeed are the best." With this Siddhant placed his hand on her hands and lifted it to kiss her. Avani moved away and reached out for the steps on the college gate."

Siddhant reached for dinner that night. "Hey sweetheart! I am sorry i was rude today. Took the last evening flight to catch you for dinner. Well, i shall take the early morning flight to work out the rest of the stuff there. I am at the door. Dying to see you." Siddhant beamed through the call.

Avani opened the door with her enchanting smile. She hugged him and muttered a muffled 'Thank You' in his ears. Siddhant was greeted by the party in progress. He just figured out it was Avani's birthday he completely missed out on. Any probability for a shop being open at this unseemly hour was an impossibility. By then Shashwat, Avani's best childhood friend and her colleague now had opened the wine for the night and raised toast to Avani's beautiful charm. Siddhant stood enraged. He stomped off to his room making a hasty retreat from the party. Avani got back in a short time winding up the party soon.

She snuggled close to Siddhant. "I knew you would come today. Somehow i just knew you would".

Her doe-eyes filled with the mist of her unending love for Siddhant. She hugged him tight. Siddhant harshly pulled himself away and said, "Stop playing this emotional drama now. Why the hell did that bastard turn up? Just because i happen to be out for business tours, you presumed the right to compensate for my time by calling him over in my absence? Avani, since how long have you guys been doing this? I know i was late, i know i was negligent. But in that case how does that good-for-nothing lover of yours have the right to give you a surprise celebration in my absence? He could have collaborated with me, right? We could have planned things together, right? Do you think i am a fool, Avani? Tell me, for how long have you been sleeping with him? "

Siddhant held her arms so tight that they began to hurt. Avani could barely speak. Tears flowed down on her cheeks incessently. Just then, one of her glass bangles broke and tore her skin on the wrist. She got up and left. The next morning Siddhant left without a word to return a week later as scheduled.

Avani realised she was pregnant. She was happy. Very very happy. She waited for Siddhant to return for lunch, prepared his favourite meal and draped his favourite saree. Siddhant came over late and on learning of the news took her in his arms and together they weaved dreams on the fabric of the life to come. Suddenly, his phone rang. He hung up in a while and said," Avani, yar go for the check-up alone. I know you are a strong, independent girl and anyway would have desisted me from doing this. I am sorry but i am out for another month now."

Avani gaped at his face and nodded. She kissed him a goodbye and cried the whole day, cancelled all her classes and drowned the house with her wails and moans after Siddhant left. Something had snapped in her today.

The days stitched and unstitched similar patterns on their marital trousseau for two years now. Avani asked Siddhant for a divorce. She said she will take care of Maa but does not wish to continue in this house. She said something had failed to keep the home they made in this concrete alive. She said she wanted to shield Mrinal from all this. She said she wanted her own life back. She said because Siddhant is busy, she would take all responsibilities of Maa as long as she is alive. Avani said she wanted her space. She said she wanted to breathe out of love. She assured she would fulfill her roles as a mother and a daghter-in-law without seeking any response and assistance from Siddhant. She said she wanted to be freed of his 'love'.

Siddhant looked at this new Avani. As beautiful as ever. Her mauve saree carefully draping the sleeping Mrinal. Her unkempt hair loosened all over her waist.

"Avani, you have changed. Why are you talking like one of those feminist women from your goddamn novels and recommended movies? I love you Avani. I am sorry. But don't look at me like that. Don't seek divorce. I would crumble without you. Please come back, Avani. I would love you more than Shashwat. I would keep you happy Avani. Please don't go away."

Avani looked at Siddhant with an icy cold, detached yet compassionate look. "Siddhant, i am moving out from the place. I have left the job and have decided to settle in the hills and work with the tribals. Do me one favour. Attend Shashwat's wedding on my behalf today evening. He has decided to solemnise his live-in with Gauri after six long years of togetherness. I am taking Maa out for her check-up before we move out tomorrow. Sign the divorce papers and leave it with the advocate. I am leaving to never come back. But take care of yourself.

She said this and gave him a a lingering look. There was care, there was calmness, there was responsibility, there was compassion, there was honesty, there was HIS Avani's confidence. However hard he searched in those beautiful eyes, he could not find love. It seemed as if he was never there with her ever. It seemed he was not what he had been.

कैनवास

बड़ी बेतक्कलुफी से उसने सामने पड़े कैनवास पर पानी का जग उढ़ेल दिया . लाल , पीले , हरे और नीले रंग गहराते , फीके पड़ते मानो अतीत , वर्तमान और भविष्य को गडमड कर चले . टप्प टप्प कर एक एक बूँद रंगीन छीटों से निर्मला के सुन्दर पावों पर इन्द्रधनुषी रंग बिखेरने लगे . निर्मला शांत, स्तब्ध, एकदम निर्विकार सी अपने उस कल्पना जगत के झलक की रंगीन बर्बादी को निहारती रही.

उमेश कल ही लन्दन से लौटा था. कारोबार के सिलसिले में अब वो महीनों घर से बाहर रहता. आता भी तो चाँद घंटों के लिए - शायद इसलिए की उसकी जिम्मेवारियां कभी कभी उसके अल्ट्राबिजी शेडयूल पर शर्मिंदगी और उपेक्षा की नज़रें गड़ा देती. तब उमेश निर्मला को ऐसे चूमता मानो उन सिमटे लम्हों में वो अपनी ज़िन्दगी का सारा प्यार, निर्मला के प्रति अपनी सारी संवेदनाएं उसे सौंप कर मुक्त होना चाहता हो. और फिर अचानक सब शांत, सब चुप - एक पसरा सन्नाटा, निरर्थक अंतराल.

निर्मला ने धीरे धीरे अपनी दुनिया रंगों के बीच समेट ली. भूरे, काले, मरून, बैगनी रंगों के विस्तार में डूबता उसका मन पीले, नीले, लाल, हरे रंगों में बिहंस पड़ता. निर्मला ने रंगों को अपनी साधना, अपनी कल्पना, अपनी कामना और अपना सम्मान बना लिया था. और ये सब एक ऐसे ढर्रे में होता चला गया जहाँ वो न जानते हुए भी जा गिरी और जब उठी तो उसकी दुनिया रंगीन हो चुकी थी.

उमेश और निर्मला ने साथ रहने का फैसला किया था. बारह सालों के रोमांस के बाद उन्हें लगा की इतने बड़े शहर में साथ रहना अधिक सहूलियत भरा होगा. दोस्तों ने इसे प्यार का नाम दिया, परिवारवालों ने पागलपन का. पर इन दोनों ने एक मौन सहमति का - किस बात की, ये शायद खुद भी नहीं जानते.

शाम हो चली थी. निर्मला ने ज़मीन पे चू चुके रंगों की परत को पैर के अंगूठे से सहलाया. ज़मीन पर एक विचित्र से रंग की छाप बन रही थी - ऐसा रंग जिसे नाम न दिया जा सके; सभी रंग थे उसमे पर किसी एक का स्वतंत्र रूप नहीं था. उमेश और निर्मला पहले हर शाम, साथ में खिड़की के आमने सामने बैठे, क्षितिज को निहारते, सूरज को डूबते देखते. साथ ही चाय की अंतिम घूँट लेते. अब तो याद भी नहीं की पिछली शाम साथ कब गुजरी थी.

कॉल बेल बजी. निर्मला ने अनमने भाव से दरवाज़े की ओर कदम बढाया, की होल से देखा. हलके फिरोजी रंग की शर्ट की बटन खोलता, टाई ढीली करता उमेश बाहर खड़ा था. निर्मला ने दरवाज़ा खोला. उमेश ने ज़मीन पर रंगीन, मटमैले पावों की छाप को देखा, निर्मला को देखा और एक फीकी सी मुस्कान के साथ उसके बालों को सहलाया. पूछा, "चाय नहीं बनाओगी?"

निर्मला कैसे समझाये खुद को की साथ रहकर भी वे एक दूसरे के नहीं हैं. एक स्वतंत्र उच्छ्वास है इस रिश्ते में. निर्मला उमेश को नहीं कह सकती किं आज कहीं मत जाओ. उमेश तो शायद ही कभी किसी से कोई अपेक्षा रखता हो.

निर्मला ने चाय बनाई. उमेश ने चाय के प्याले को कैनवास के एक सिरे पर रखते हुए धीरे धीरे सारी चाय उस पर उढ़ेल दी. एक विद्रूप से भाव को चेहरे पे समेटते हुए कहा, "निर्मला कल से किटी इस घर में शिफ्ट कर रही है. तुम चाहो तो यहाँ रहो या फिर पीछे वाला एक कमरा खाली करवा दो.

निर्मला शांत, निशब्द, चुप, किंकर्त्तव्यविमूढ़ सी बैठी शून्य को निहारती रही. उमेश ने चाय की दूसरी कप पी और डूबते सूरज की अंतिम किरण को निर्मला के चेहरे को चूमते देखा. उसने कैनवास पर काला रंग चढ़ाया और घंटों निर्मला को निहारता, उस पर उँगलियाँ, रंग और ब्रश फिरता रहा.

सुबह हो चुकी थी. निर्मला ने कैनवास पर उमेश की निर्मला को देखा, उमेश को देखा और कुछ देर में अपना सूटकेस पैक कर ले आई. उमेश ने बाहर टाक्सी का इंतजाम कर दिया था.

बगीचे में चोरी से घुसता सिन्दूरी सूरज शर्म से लाल था. निर्मला ने सामान रखा और दोबारा अन्दर आई. किचन से पानी का जग लाया और कैनवास पर दे मारा. कैनवास के अधसूखे रंग कई धाराओं में अट्टहास कर चले.

उमेश स्तब्ध था. उसने धीरे से कहा, "यही परिणति है निर्मला. यही प्यार है शायद. मत जाओ न."

A bite at Arundhati's anti-Anna sandwich...

I am no Anna-fan. I have reservations against his version of the
Lokpal Bill as i have against the government's and the recent one by
Ms. Aruna Roy. But i do support the need for a strong and effective
Lokpal at any cost. In this article i shall try to deconstruct the
arguments put forth by Ms. Arundhati Roy in the article published on
the opinion page in The Hindu on the 22nd of August 2011. I shall
launch the rebuttals by mentioning the location of Ms. Roy's arguments
in the said article.

The first paragraph begins by calling the movement "embarrassing and
unintelligible" and assumes in the conclusive assertion that it is a
movement about Anna Hazare only. The point, Ms. Roy, is that you
forget it has members like Prashant Bhushan on his panel to satisfy
your assessment and parameter of 'intelligence'. Mr. Pashant Bhushan
is a person, Ms. Roy, with whom you have collaborated a number of
times in campus protests on various issues. Reality check needed, the
humble, Ms. Roy for there are people like Arvind Kejriwal who have
been spearheading and master-minding the movement since its inception.

Paragraph fourth : Ms. Roy says the Jan Lokpal Bill (JLB) "will
administer a giant bureaucracy...." Either Ms. Roy seems to have not
read the Bill or seems to have not been able to "intelligently"
comprehend the same. The JLB is merely a bill that seeks to construct
a strong Lokpal at the centre and Lokayuktas at state level to act as
curative or a preventive bodies in the present context; to deal with
systemic corruption in governance primarily at the top levels of
bureaucracy, ministries etc etc.Ms. Roy's subtle assertion, and a
factually incorrect one comes at a point in time in the article after
she has categorically labelled the same as "draconian" and declared a
factually flawed version of its understanding. Ms.Roy, are you too
influenced by the linguist Noam Chomsky(which actually you are as you
say) to argue a case which in terms of philosophy would account to
misleading vividness based on flawed, dramatic premise? Or is it an
intentional act of abusing language to inflate the degree of your
assertion so that two wrongs make a right.

Paragraph fifth: Ms. Roy's grand narrative of the common woman's grief
and dilemma is exactly what the JLB seeks to address, if Ms. Roy
chooses to read the bill sincerely and with an 'intelligent' mind that
is. Ms. Roy, the public declaration of individual government servant's
work profile in the Citizens' Charter, as demanded by the JLB, will
make it easier for any "her" to be aware of the vulnerability of any
government office to come under Lokpal's surveillance. Also, the
Lokpal is merely to investigate and prosecute the corrupt officials
and not to help her get a license to set up her business.

Paragraph Sixth:I wonder why Ms. Roy chooses to attend seminars and
protest meetings by liberal elitists who basically work in the
language of symbols that are as "aggressive and flag waving" as she
alleges the Anna-supporters to be.

Paragraph seventh and third: It is indeed unfortunate that Irom
Sharmila's fast could not gain as much of a mass support as Anna got
but to dismiss the ongoing as populist is to dismiss the opinions of
millions of thousands of common men and women who have been attending
the same with as much of fever with which you speak on NBA, Ms. Roy.
Yes, India is by and large a bourgeois society. Yes, that office goers
did not identify with other causes as much as they did with this one
in the same spirit. Yes, more and more urban people have been lending
solidarity to the same. But Ms. Roy had you chosen to take a pulse of
the ailing thousands of Indians, or people residing in India as would
prefer to address them politically, you would have known for a fact
that villagers from Haryana came to attend the movement too. There
were large scale demonstrations in Ralegan Siddhi. These are, Ms. Roy,
if you know the Indian demographics correct, not people from the urban
conglomerates. Further, eunuchs from Haryana too came to register
their protest in favour of Anna's stand. The surviving victims of
Bhopal Gas Tragedy too lent out their voices in his support. So, Ms.
Roy, kindly do not resort to clubbing these sizeable numbers in your
pompous plethora of sophisticated tag in some arbitrary and extremely
fascist linguistic jargon. These are the also among the 'marginalised'
who you think have absolutely no representation in Anna's movement.
Ms. Roy, if you choose to hear out Anna a little more, you would have
appreciated the fact that he did talk about farmers' protest and other
issues apart from the JLB. Humble Ms. Roy, the country for the time
being is merely focused on one issue because no movement can bite on
too many issues to chew the cud properly. Perhaps grapes seem sour to
you as not many support your stand on issues more than once.

Ms. Roy you had come to campus to attend a meeting by agitating
academicians against semester system in April. You said on being asked
and i quote,"The whole Anna thing is bullshit!" I wonder, how you
managed to pen an article on "bullshit" so feverishly. Also,if coming
to attend the agitation then was an act of solidarity to 'people' at
large celebrating the right to express themselves in a democracy, i
wonder how to rate your argument on scale of determining a stand
vis-a-vis elitist politics. Is your support for democracy only then
when a small coterie invites you to attend a protest or when your
"love-bites" to media, as you cynically used the phrase in a similar
meet at campus supporting Valentine's Day celebrations, are deep
enough to bypass the popularity of a "fresh-minted saint", as you
chose to call Mr. Hazare in your article?

You did not attend the slut walk. Does that mean you do not support
the feminist cause. You did not speak about the terror attack when
Mumbai wept. Pardoned then, when Taj was attacked, may be because it
targeted the capitalists. But even this time also you did not. They
were plebians in Zaveri Bazar who were hit. Does that mean, Ms. Roy,
you do not share any one these concerns. When you are entitled to not
lay hands on every issue that demands as immediate attention as say
the Kashmir controversy, does not the same argument apply to other
'popular' leaders of their times? Do members of the civil society also
have the right to choose which issues they wish to address without
being slotted in neat categories by liberal democrats who are as
staunch in their views as say the far right RSS. Ms. Roy, in order to
be an activist or a mass leader, you need not always be an
anti-capitalist, anti-establishment, anti-government each time. There
are people who 'intelligent'ly work within the system to clean it up.
So. Ms. Roy, when you say that Anna and and the Maoists are one in the
sense that they seek to overthrow the government, i demand my right to
differ be respected. Maoists resort to callous violence to overthrow
the state power. This mass upsurge seeks to make the government
accountable and answerable by absolutely non-violent means. Anna never
demanded UPA to step down from power. He has been asking him to merely
table a bill in the parliament. Identify the difference, Ms. Roy.

I agree that Arundhati Roy has a notable observation to make regarding
the absolute silence in the Jan Lokpal Bill on corporate corruption.
But unfortunately she fails to propose a model on how to try to cater
to putting a check on the same. Ms. Aruna Roy has a couple of
constructive interventions to make in her version of the Lokpal Bill
too. The need of the hour is to work for bringing a collaborative
definition of a strong Lokpal instead of merely dismissing this mass
movement as bourgeois humbug. Hope Ms. Arundhati respects and
appreciates the law of democracy in terms of not just championing the
trumpet of the freedom of expression but also the humility and
'intelligence' to listen to what others have to say. And hope that
civil societies collaborate structurally and ideologically to
contribute their dutiful bit in bringing up a strong Lokpal Bill.

To the suddenly shaken us....

Corruption is a systemic and, in the present context, a systematic mechanism of abuse of power one holds in his or her position. It not only depreciates the moral climate of the political, social, sociological and other manifest aspects of public life but fails the very essence of a democratic setup. To think about completely rooting out this flaw that has become inherent and congenital to the DNA of the public office via a structural framework is therefore an anticipated and a natural response to the subjects under a flawed and corrupt government. Therefore, the UPA going on strategically stupid and politically poor moves to contain the Anna fever by extremely unconstitutional and really illogical steps puts up a very sad state of affairs. However,with due respect to the Anna fever, one needs to identify the key contentions between the twin drafts of the Jan Lokpal Bill and the Lokpal Bill tabled by the members of the civil society and the government respectively, trying responsibly to tap the potential of the mass movement in an informed and involved debate so as to bring in affirmative action to call for accountability in the governance.

First things first. In terms of the credibility and efficacy of bringing in transparent accountability in offices meant to work "for the people", the Jan Lokpal Bill clearly wins over its counterpart. But to hail it as the panacea for all ills is again a case of mass hysteria ruling over rational and logical wisdom. It is necessary to understand that the need for a structure that brings the higher echelons of power under scanner is the immediate and absolute necessity of time today especially when so many scams and open and brazen display of foul play has revealed the dangerous faces of various governments at the state and central levels robbing people of thier rightful share of services, resources and of course the exchequer. Therefore, the fact that PMO, top executives, bureaucrats and the judiciary need to be put up for scrutiny is for all of us to support and extend solidarity to in this combined fight against corruption.

In a parliamentary democracy, to put the PM in the hands of civil society members to be punished if he breaches his code of conduct is fundamentally problematic, especially when technically he enjoys his elected status. In such a case, his office can be deemed an exception. As a model, investigations against him can happen under the vigilant eyes of the Lokpal and after arriving at findings against him, the judiciary can take charge in punishing him within a strictly stipulated time period and under open scrutiny to the public eyes. Also, the Lokpal's office too should be put into scanner and any allegation against his misconduct be punished via independent and open investigations against him where people have full access to proceedings of the investigations under way. Also, the corporate honchos and the politics-economics liasion need to be taken to task too especially when cases like Karnataka have emerged as prime examples of engineered corrupt ways. The selection of the Lokpal is a problem to counter which no workable model emerges from my head.

It is also important for us to understand that despite the fact that BJP and CPI, CPI(M), RJD and almost all national parties have stood up for Anna, most of them categorically deny their support to the Jan Lokpal Bill. The need of the hour is to focus the debate around this Bill rather than hero worship a single individual. In fact the trend generated out of venerance by the mob has been manipulated long enough by the media to hike up TRPs and by political parties to create vote banks. It is but obvious that cries to support democracy and fight against corruption would be backed up by all. At a point in time when BJP or any political party can clearly not and will definitely not leave the mass hysteria for it stands to win so much by backing it up, one needs to make them accept categorically their support for the Bill. These vultures need to be stopped from playing dirty games rather than submitting their genuine support for the movement. Till date the various governments have played on the rhetoric of "either you are with us or against us". The time has come when we take them on the offensive. Either, they submit their written support for the Jan Lokpal Bill with constructive and clear interventions and points of clash or they leave the movement immediately to launching their own rhetorical flourish with a free spirit. Indians have long suffered from their lip service anyway.

Further, the media needs to play a pro-active role in materialising this entire aspect. Instead of focusing on useless questions and showy journalistic fervour, it must adopt an involved and stirring debate. In all the protest meetings i went to, invariably the entire gamut of electronic media was engaged in this emotional and sentimental rendering of the protest venue and atmosphere. This needs to change. As members going out to lend support to the movement instead of appearing as mere props to the TRP boosting coverage, one can take charge of actually utilising the space to shift the perspective of the mob hysteria to an involved and a healthy debate.

Anna's fast is totally in the democratic spirit. Just as one has the right to freely abuse him in a press conference on really shoddily investigated allegations and unchecked verbal diarrhea of totally unparliamentary language, Anna or anyone for that matter has the democratic right to stage protest in any form. More so, because in a historical context when voices of dissent to the governmental structure and policies are met with callous and indifferent ears and at times with rampant , violent and unaccounted force and coercion, one needs to put a stern and inflamed foot forward to assert a position, especially on an issue that has unprecedented support across parties, ideologies etc. etc. Hence, the fact that Anna has emerged as a national crusader for a strong Lokpal needs to be respected and supported by all.

It is necessary to note that in the case of corruption in a country as populous, as large and as diverse as ours, a foolproof mechanism to tackle the same within a structural model is next to impossible. But to leave hope or to rubbish the efforts is indifferent and irresponsible too. Also, the hypocritical optimism behind the whole movement as a sure shot way to eliminate the menace from the roots needs to be clipped for a sane and balanced assessment of the status quo . Let us realise that the Jan Lokpal Bill can at the maximum be a preventive or a curative step to better the existing system and not a constructive one to build a new one. Despite all fair claims of hope, at the end of the day self custody, self restraint, self morality and individually strong moral conscience would decide what kind of an order we wish to be a part of.

On August 17 when i moved out to register my presence at the Chhatrasal Stadium, a seven-year old girl old girl in my locality said to her mom, "Anna baba ko arrest kar liya hai."

I stopped and asked her, "Who is Anna?"

She said, "Gandhi ji".

I pushed further,"Kyun arrest kiya?"

She replied, "Kyunki TV mein keh rahe hain ki woh lad rahe hain?"

I continued," Toh accha hai na, ladna toh galat baat hai. Police ne toh sahi kiya."

She disagreed with emphatic shaking of her head, Nahi nahi didi, woh keh rahe hain ki sab cheezon ki mehngai kam karo. Toh ye toh achha kam hai."

The cynic in me could merely smile at her innocent yet apt grasp of the happenings. I had the courage for the first time to say "Amen" to her last words.

The long lost rhyme..

The sun blinked
a dreamy smile...

Collected ravages of dry geraniums
mouldy fragrance of desiccated bark
slish slash on heavy waters.


Of dreams - thousands dreams..

There was a hill once
kissed by the morning rays
caressed by the breezy days
slapped by the sooty nights.

Until all that remains now is
dust - powdered ruins..

He said he misses her
I wonder if it is she he meant
or her smiles, her talks
or what all she stood for?



The sky embraced
another sleepy day -
long drawn, insipid.

A wait like Sisyphus..

Hmmm

A soiled napkin on the floor

used spoon

empty champagne glass

fag ends of burnt cigarettes

lip balm from L'Oreal.

I am fired from life

cursed to live in opulence.

Breaking necks of violent silences

breaking all - in one go.

A snap heals all

a year long emotional drama

bottled up hurt, anger also(perhaps)

Sometimes all - in one go.

I am tired

a little bored

more determined

To just begin

afresh rather - sans complications.

Of Monster, Bournvita and us...

"If i were to fly" was a favourite topic i used to compose essays on when i was a kid. In the hot summer afternoons when day naps were essentially a part of our small household in Patna, i used to gently slip out of my mother's embrace after she dozed off. What a thrill it was! Shutting the doors of her room, my brother and i resumed our adventures into the endless worlds of play acting, playing cricket and well, 'stealing' and gorging on milk powder and Bournvita. Later convinced that we were kids pronouncing babarism incarnate, my mother started giving us puzzles to solve or essays to write before we went ahead with our misdemeanours. Her siesta, henceforth, was rendered trouble free for sometime.

It was one such day when i realised that my brother had painted a monster on his white sheet. Not much of an aesthete he had been in paintings and artistic works but the figure that emerged on the sheet gave me such a fright that i was sick for a couple of days. On one of those afternoons of my 'sickness', we had been asked to write this essay on "If i were to fly".

The sun was furiously staring on the white-washed walls of the house. Maa was sleeping inside and we had successfully managed to perch on the cot in the shed outside our room. Suddenly, i realised Saurabh had vanished. I assumed he must have been out to use the loo. Unable to trace him for more than half an hour now, i panicked. I called him out with no response elicited from either the washroom or anywhere. I searched everywhere. Frustrated and a little worried, i made the last attempt to trace him in the corridor. No Saurabh. I went into the kitchen, seething with rage by now. Somehow, i was sure, he must have been hogging on the 'stolen' delicacies, without me. There was no Saurabh. Instead i saw his white sheet, yes, the same which had the monster drawn on it till yesterday, on the slab. It bared its white teeth all over, with no trace of either my brother's stroke or the monster's face on it. By now i was sure i lost my brother.

Tears rolling down my cheeks, vision blurred and throat completely choked, i stared imploringly at the white sheet. By then i felt a sudden pull. It seemed as if the bared teeth opened and tried to suck me inside. I grew helpless and the next moment i realise being spirralled into a strange world of whiteness all around. My body seemed to reel very fast in this unending spiral. It was as if sitting on the spinning top and being paraded inside the white white world of freshly washed draperies, hung on the dhobi ghats.

After few odd moments of my strange journey, i fell with a thud on the white marble floor. Saurabh was sitting luxuriously on a seat of what seemed like a Milkmade box. He held a huge Nestle milk powder packet in his hands and was grinning widely while enjoying big mouthfull of the same. All my sisterly love vanished in a jiffy. I snatched his packet, slapped him hard and there we were fighting again.

Suddenly the monster appeared out of nowhere. I shrieked in horror. My brother hugged me and asked me to keep quiet. The monster was red with rage. His bulbous eyes emanated flashes of fire and we could no longer see anything except his gigantic body by now. Calling out our names he said, "This is the precise reason i have both of you here today! Fighting like uncouth, wild animals in the jungle, you have always disturbed my sleep and peace. Today i shall eat one of you and shall end my troubles forever."

I began to wail piteously. I begged him to leave us once and promised that we would never ever fight again. The monster seemed unrelenting. My brother and i hugged each other tight and cried for long now, convinced that one of us would die soon. The monster picked me up. He slapped me on my cheek and asked me to shut up. He spoke again," I love Saurabh for he gave me a place in your beautiful house by drawing me up. And he shall always enjoy unlimited stock of delicacies from now on. Soon after i eat this puny, little wretch up, i shall send you back my dear, Saurabh, into your sweet home. And every afternoon, after you sneak out of bed, you shall find your gift ready near the sheet of my drawing. You can either come to my house here, as you did today or have it while you do your mother's homework each day"

By now, i was wailing uncontrollably. Saurabh moved forward and bent on his knees. He asked the monster if there was no way to save me. He promised we would never fight again and also that i would not demand any share from the stock that the monster would send him each day. He also cried buckets of tears and kissed the monster's hands. Perhaps the huge creature took some pity on us. He said that he would be back in a moment and vanished.

I looked at Saurabh with frightened eyes and he merely smiled at me in a faint way. He asked me," How did you reach here, tiny rat? Why did you come here? He can easily finish you up in one go, do you know? Why do you always try to act oversmart?"

By now i had lost all my love for him. I threw a really bad face at him and said, "Here i am really worried if you had drowned in the loo or been kidnapped or murdered! And here are you,selfish mouse, enjoying sumptous meals in this ugly monster's house! I hate you! I simply hate you!"

Saurabh cut me through and exclaimed," Oh Miss i-am-so-generous! Ask yourself if you did not steal my chocolates the other day and had me scolded instead. You lousy liar! It is good that i did not tell you about my secret friendship with this monster! Huh! Listen, do not try to bully me now! Here i am trying to save you and you are being so ungrateful!"

I could see my vision blur again. A fresh onslaught of tears assaulted my eyes. I choked and said in a broken voice ," I am sorry Saurabh! Save me from this horrible creature. I shall never ever steal your stuff. And i will also return your Cosco ball that i took to school everyday. I shall instead share those chocolates Sharma uncle got for both of us when you had gone out to buy milk from the shop". With this i broke down into a huge wail.

Saurabh looked at me with tender eyes. He said," I will also return your violet Camlin pencil. I am sorry. I took it from your bag to take revenge."

Both of us hugged each other. Saurabh's eyes shone when he saw an eraser tightly clutched in my fingers. Meanwhile, the monster returned. he looked at us and asked Saurabh to have his Cadbury while he should enjoy his meal. He laughed a racuous laughter and picked me up in his filthy, fat hands.

Saurabh was deft enough to rub the eraser on his hands. Lo and behold! His arms vanished. The monster snapped a very furious glance at his side. He jumped in rage and kicked Saurabh hard. Poor Saurabh! He hit the milky white floor and the eraser landed near me. I took no time to erase the monster's legs. By now, the monster lay on the floor and snapped at me. My face broke into a puddle of blood. I let out a huge scream.

Saurabh erased his eyes and there the monster lay struggling to see. Meanwhile, the nose, ears, forehead kept vanishing with masterly strokes of the erasure. I kept groaning in pain and Saurabh kept erasing even the tiniest marks of the monster.

The next moment i realise a pillow descending on my face. My brother asked me to hush up lest we wake up mamma and passed on the open Bournvita bottle with a spoon dug inside. I hugged him tight and thanked him profusely. Saurabh looked puzzled. I asked him if the monster would not reappear to punish me if i had his share with scared eyes. He gave me a quizzical look and said,"Silly! it is already one hour that you have wasted in your sleep. Finish off your essay before maa wakes up!"

I felt my 'bloody' face with my hands. Ascertained that it was a dream, i decided to keep the Cosco ball with me. After much thought, i opened my pencil box to share those chocolates that Sharma uncle had got for us.