1 AFSB, Dehradun : Interview

My interview happened for 1.5 hours. The interview was conducted by Group Captain, C.P.Joshi. Here is an attempt to revisit the same. I shall denote him as IO, interviewing officer, and myself as S. Also, i shall keep adding to the questions as and when i remember the very few that have slipped out of my memory. And the order of questions were as random as presented. They never were consistent in their theme. However, i confess, this is not the exactly same sequence, though very close.

S- Good Morning, sir!

IO- Good morning, (fumbles with the name)

S- Shubhra-astha, sir (smiling)

IO- Yes, Shubhrastha. Lovely name. Please have a seat and tell me what does your name mean?

S- Shubhrastha comprises of Shubhra or resplendent and pure and Astha is belief.

IO- Hmm. Thoughtful. Hmm. Ok, i have given a document check and have decided to skip asking you questions on current events and happenings. Shall we move ahead to having a frank, open talk, Shubhra(fumbles again)stha?

S- Yes sir

IO- I gather that you appeared for a SSB last time too. What went wrong? Where was it? How was it? When did you appear for the same? And why this time again?

(I kept counting on my finger tips the number of sub-questions shot at)

S- Sir, my last SSB happened at AFSB, Mysore beginning on the 27th of June. It was an amazing and enriching experience. I guess nothing went wrong as such. Perhaps i was meant to improve on myself and come again this time. My non-recommendation last time meant an opportunity to rework on my personality and gear myself in a better way to join the Indian Air Force. Precisely this is why i am here again.

IO- How is Delhi?

S-It is cold at this time of the year, sir. But generally speaking, it is an open world in itself and offers one plenty to choose from its platter.

IO-Did you sleep well last night, Shubhrastha? I am sure Dehradun is very cold. Any problems?

S- Yes sir, i slept well. Dehradun is cold. But more than five years in Delhi have helped me cope up with extremes of weather.

IO- How did you prepare yourself for the SSB this time? And where do you live in Delhi?

S- Sir, i made sure i work on my physical training and jogged everyday to build up my stamina. Last time i left a few hurdles. I made sure that i build up my stamina this time to see me through. Also, rather than on merely reading and learning, i focused on the application part of knowledge. Sir i live near North Campus in Delhi.(I did not want to mention the locality for it is a UPSC hub)

IO- Hmm i see. So how much did you jog each day? And where near North Campus do you live? Where did you jog? And when did you jog?

S- Sir, i have recently shifted to Nehru Vihar. Prior to that i lived in campus and jogged in the campus premises. It is pretty huge and i could cover around 7 kms a day, sir. It was either morning or evening.

IO- Tell me your daily routine. Tell me what do you do on weekdays and what on weekends?

S- Sir, since i have already completed my MA and hence have no classes around, all my days are as free or as busy as a holiday. I get up around 6. Go for a jog. Come back by eight. Have my breakfast. Read up the newspaper, watch movies, catch up with friends, study a little bit, visit places. It is more of a relaxed time with me.

IO- I see. Why did you not consider a job? I mean with your degree i am sure you could easily avail many offers.

S- Right, sir. After a month in the corporate sector i realised that i am not cut out for a 9 to 5 job in a cabin. Meanwhile, my AFCAT results this year and my SSB last year were constant reminders to see me through career worries. Therefore, to engage myself and be self reliant, i have been doing freelance writing and teaching sporadically.

IO- Has your work ever been published? Where do you write? What have you written?

S- Sir, Sahara Times published one of my articles during my last year in graduation. I generally blog. I have written company portfolios, proposals, worked on similar assignments.

IO- Tell me three instances when you felt you might just breakdown. And how did you overcome those?

S- (Thinking) Sir, i generally do not break down that easily. Oh yes! There was a time just recently. It was my MA first semester and i fell ill. Performed really bad in my university exams. But i pulled myself up and saw to it that i improve my scores thereafter. Then, there were my annual exams in standard eighth when my mother fell ill. She had a severe attack of Sciatica and Arthritis. It was the time when i had to manage the household affairs and study. A little testing a time. But then we shifted to my father's school for it would have made things easier and slowly one pulled oneself up. (thinking again) Well, this is what i can gather at the moment, sir. Though i must say that after i landed in Delhi for the first time, i felt very alienated. Missed home a lot. But slowly, adjusted to the ways of the place.

IO- Why did you not continue in Army School itself for your plus two? Why DPS, Bokaro? And why do you feel alienated in Delhi?

S- Sir, my AISSCE results were petty good to see me through the admission process at DPS, Bokaro. The school is among the top five in India, close from my place in Patna and offered a good exposure. Plus, my father was pretty keen to send me out for higher studies considering the law and order situation in Bihar then. So, this became an obvious choice. Sir, i said i felt alienated in Delhi when i came. I am completely at ease now. Have friends here and life has become too busy to brood over unproductive thoughts now.

IO- Do you mean to say Army School was not good enough to provide you an exposure? And do you feel there are no good schools in Patna?

S-Absolutely not sir. Patna has changed for a better scenario today especially after the regime change post-RJD. But in 2004 when i passed out, the situation was not very good. Hence, that decision was taken. Army School is undoubtedly a very good institution. In fact, most of my debates at regional, command, cluster and national levels happened there. I am proud to be a part of its legacy. The year i passed out was the first year that the first batch for twelfth appeared for their boards. DPS, Bokaro, in contrast, is acclaimed for its academic reputation. Hence, one chose the latter. Sir there are plenty of good schools in Patna; St. Joseph's Convent, St. Xavier's, Notre Dame, St. Michele's, Don Bosco being a few famous ones.

IO- You said you do not have a boyfriend? Why is that so?

( I am alarmed. I did not mention it anywhere. He never even asked!!!!!!!)

S- Sir, i do not remember having mentioned it.But yes i have no boyfriend but i have loads of friends among both the genders.

IO(smiling)- Name some friends.

S- Jagdish, Amit, Rupali

IO- And you are sure Jagdish is not your boyfriend?

S- Yes, sir. Pretty sure.

IO- How so? Have you talked to him about it?


S- Sir one never felt the need to. Amit and Jagdish are very close friends and we are so friendly with each other that the question of romance does not even figure anywhere. Besides, Jagdish has a girlfriend(i said this to avoid any further query on the same.)


IO- Ok, Shubhrastha, tell me why did you feel lonely in Delhi? And don't you think having a boyfriend would have made life easier for you? How did you cope up with the loneliness? Did you not feel that any of your male friends would have made a good boyfriend for you? Why are you so against relationships? Do you think that they are bad? Has anybody ever proposed to you?

(!!!!!!!!!!!!I took a deep breath.)

S- Sir, i believe that relationships happen at their own pace and that emotions either figure or don't. To make oneself feel better and hence indulge in manipulating a friendly relationship into romance is something that personally i am not comfortable with. Though, i believe that love and relationships are good for those who can handle the same. So, no i do not think they are bad at all. I felt lonely in Delhi because when i landed there, teh city appeared too huge and similarly the exposure especially when i resided on my own for the first year in college. At DPS, Bokaro, my mother used to frequent between Patna and Bokaro but in Delhi such visits were rendered infrequent. However, i got so engrossed in my debates and classes within barely a month that i had no time for such thoughts later. Also, because i was busy, did not have time for relationships. Yes, sir. A couple of guys did propose to me. But i never felt like accepting any proposal.

(OH MY GOD! Phew!)

IO- Why did you not take any coaching for SSB? I assume that you did not. Or did you? Do you not think the officers in Delhi who train the candidates are very efficient?

S-Yes sir, your assumption is correct. I did not coach myself for SSB. I am sure that the officers who train candidates are very efficient and capable. But my past experience in Mysore and my stint with a couple of blogs on the internet strengthened my belief in the fact that SSBs are all about a psychological testing field. And it is best to be natural with one's response than give standard, repetitive, coached answers.

IO- How come your mother frequented you in Bokaro? Did you not stay in a hostel? (Reading the form closely) Hmmm, it says you were a day boarder there. Ok.

(I am puzzled whether it is question or a self-addressed monologue!!!!!!!)

S- Sir, DPS, Bokaro has no hostel of its own. So i had to stay out. Plus, my mother used to freqently visit me because the distance between Patna and Bokaro was not that great.

IO- Then, how did you manage food? How did your father, and your younger brothers manage the same? Wasn't it stressful for your mother? Don't you feel responsible for so much of tumult?

S- Sir, I cooked or dined in the common mess or depended on tiffin delivery system as per my requirements. The rest of the family did the same. Regarding my mother, i am sure, this was stressful but she has always been this determined lady who believes in fulfilling her roles well. Even if anyone of us intervene, she suggests that individuals should be left free to follow their will. And no sir, i do not feel i am responsible for any tumult for there has been none. It has been a phase of time when the strength of a family is tested and all of us have been thoroughly enjoying this experience.

IO- Who are you the closest to in your family? Tell me about your family.

S- Ours is a five-membered family. My parents and three siblings. I have two younger brothers. I am the eldest among my siblings. Our family is pretty close knit. We are very open about our lives and hence close to each other. But yes, the levels of connection is different. The same thing told to my dad is different in tone and quality than when shared with my brothers.

IO-(laughs) Shubhrastha, do you abuse? How often? Do you feel it is right to abuse?

S- Sir, i have a pretty controlled verbal response in the most trying of situations. So, i do abuse but in very very extreme situations. Regarding whether it is right or not, (i smile), it is totally circumstantial, situational and subjective.

IO- Explain. When did you abuse last? And what do these heavily loaded adjectives mean(laughing now)

S- Sir, i can not recall the latest instance of my abuse. But a fresh memory is when i was eve teased and could not control myself. Regarding the latter part of your question, (smiling) as a person being interviewed by an Air Force Officer in his cabin, i personally will not abuse however 'testing' the circumstance and situation.

IO-(laughing loudly) Do you want to abuse, by the way?

S-Absolutely not sir. I am really enjoying the interview. Plus, let me confess. For the lack of a better example on feet then, i chose to say that.

IO-Just joking, i get what you mean. Ok Shubhrastha, you said you have lot of friends. Are they males or females? Whom do you find better.

S- Sir, i have friends across ages and genders. But yes i gel more easily with boys than girls. Though, i have some very good female friends.

IO- You have been this law abiding person throughout. Tell me something. Your friends must have been easily irritated by you for this habit. How did you tackle that?

S- Sir, i believe that the very fact that i have been a law abiding person has helped me receive lot of respect from my friends which is quite an achievement. Yes, they have had minor bouts irritation by my disciplinarian attitude at times but in the long run, i feel that they too acknowledge the fact that the person i am is defined partly by the values and ethics i believe in. Plus sir, i believe very firmly that rules and regulations are core principals of an efficient society, however big or small, however free or bound. Therefore, while in school, one needs to abide by institutional rules to learn to value codes of conduct unquestioningly and inculcate a respect for order within, in college, the very same foundation allows one to swear by self imposed regulations when there are on strict rules on behavior and conduct by and large. Freedom does not mean chaos, after all.

IO- Do you never chill out with your friends? How do you chill out? Have you never done anything beyond rules? Are you always within regulations?

S-Sir, i always have fun time with my friends. In fact, i am a very jolly person in my disposition around them. We hang around a lot, chat, laugh, watch movies and do fun things together. By and large, i have not broken any major rules or regulations, sir.


IO- Why can't you gel well with females? Are they jealous of you? And why more with males?

S- Sir, i gel well with females too. In fact, i have lived in a girls' hostel for five years and have made some good friends there. I think i get along easily with male friends because i feel freer with them. I understand that it is all a cultural, social programming that guys are more spontaneous than girls in our society. But yes, i guess that is a reason why i am more comfortable with them.

IO- What do you talk with your female friends and what with your male friends? Is there something that you would rather discuss with your male friends than your female friends?

S- There is nothing that i can not talk with either of them. (thinking) I guess if i have to discuss politics, and entertainment and sports and trip plans simultaneously, i would choose my male friends over female ones. I would choose to share my post-depression phase with them. For emotional turmoils, i would go to my mother who is my very close friend.

IO- So, are you saying that girls are frivolous?

(UffffffffffffOH)

S- No sir. Absolutely not.

IO- Hmm you do not discuss politics with them.

S- Sir i said would choose male friends over female friends if i have to discuss a couple of things together. And it just may be that i have not met many girls who are as spontaneous and open. May be, i shall have better luck with female colleagues later.

IO-Did you not lose weight after your jog schedule?

S-Sir, i did not check. I am sure i am fit and healthy, though.

IO- Tell me two weaknesses in you.

S- I am short tempered with impunctual and irresponsible behaviour. I tend to be over analytical towards my failures.

IO- Is the latter a bad thing?

S- When it begins to leech onto one's productivity, it is.

IO- Do you know how to deal with it then?

S- Yes sir, i try to keep myself as busy as possible to evade such questions for long.

IO- Shubhrastha, tell me one instance where you have actually chilled out with friends. Like climbing up a tree and jumping.

(What the hell! I mean who does that? Anyway, i was prodded on to share a moment with him! God! He is so insistent on prying!)

S-Well, sir i have moved out with friends and had a round of booz.(May be this should placate his nerves!!!!! Was a little perturbed for i used the very informal 'booz'. But then he too used 'chilled out'. Anyway, i quickly added...) Sir, sharing a couple of drinks is, i am sure, not a very unusual thing to do and raise eyebrows at this age. But that sitting out and doing so at a public place when one is below the legally permissible age is what made it adventurous.

IO- So you do break rules. (Grinning by now)

S- (Smiling)Yes, sir. Within my self imposed permissible limits i have broken them.

IO- So, did you check out booz points in Dehradun?

S- No sir. (A) Primarily, because it is not a trip to chill out, however memorable the stay and group of friends i have made here. And (B) because i share drinks with a very select group of people.

IO- Why the Indian Air Force when the world is out open for a candidate like you?

S- Sir, there are different ways of achieving a target. One chooses how one goes about it. I want to serve my nation. And wish to do the way defence personnels do it - being at the thick of adventures and protecting the nation so that the others function in safe zones. To provide security and safety so that the nation prospers is a life style that demands discipline and commitment. I wish to follow that lead. And hence, the Air Force, sir.

IO-Then, why did you not apply earlier?

S- Sir, if you notice, i wish to join the education sector. And in order to do so, i needed to complete my post-graduation. Immediately after i was eligible to apply, i promptly did so in the final semester of my MA course.

IO- You have lived in Delhi for quite sometime now. Did you face any uncalled for sexual advances? If you did, how did you tackle that? If you did not, why do you think you did not?

S-Sir, i have been fortunate to have not faced any overt incident till date. While i do recognise that such incidents are common and most of the times unpredictable, it is also true that personal sense of safety and security always helps one avoid most of the cases. I have an ability to keep people at bay with my body language and demeanor. In case of small, almost insignificant incidents to be mentioned as sexual advances, i have resorted to making a very strict appearance and taking advantage of the other person's vulnerable situation on a back-off mode, i have escaped to a safer zone. I believe that a lot can be prevented by keeping oneself alert and conscious towards any such untoward situation, in however mild a form.

IO- Do you know what does your work demand? What kind of works would you do here?

S- Sir, the work here demands an unfettered zeal and energy. It involves risk taking abilities and ways to counter testing situations. Not just hard work but intelligent work is required in the profile i opt for. Sir, as an Education officer in the Indian Air Force, i shall be expected to participating in the training of cadets, management of Air Force Schools, conduction and management of various exams and all such works that comes under the broader ambit of education.


IO- That is all right. But then why not serve the nation by doing the same thing anywhere else? Say as an educationist.

S- Because the nature of work profile and environment offered here is unparalleled. I do understand that with the degree at hand, i can be a pure educationist. But i wish to expand my horizon. I wish to do things beyond lectures and seminars. The strict discipline, alertness and sense of valour attached to the work here is unmatched. Sir, i shall be an educationist and full stop at some place. But i shall be an educationist and many more here.

IO- Where would you like to work? In small places or big cities?

S- Anywhere. I am open to serving anywhere. In small places, to work from the scratch is a temptation to excel and be creative. The number of challenges are huge and hence enriching in the experiences they offer. On the other hand, big cities offer better access to opportunities and technology. That is a unique experience in itself. Any place which requires my service, is my preference, sir.

IO- Shubhrastha, what kind of people do you hate?

S- People who waste time and people who do not know what they are talking.

IO- Thank you, Shubhrastha. It was a pleasure talking to you.

S- Thank you, sir.

Orphaned desire

It is an orphaned desire.

Sickened by the halfmoon dew
on my lip stained verse
half sung,
half awaiting perhaps -
the heal on scrapped knees.

Did you, did you ever see the words lisp?

Your own words -
breathing in my vaporous syntax
frozen in the nights of skinny details.

Indeed they were yours
will remain only yours -
Making love to the cliffs and folds
of the endless sky,
to the steel grey gun of a steely resolve.

Can i ask?
Did you ever feign love, then or now?

Each time those reluctant tears well up
Those sharp tearing fingers scrap the throat
Can i ask then,
Could you possibly feign it enough?


It is a mild smell on my skin -
Lazy and reluctant whispers of fragrances.

Cut deeper, much much deeper
Let the blood cleanse
the muscles
the bones.

Cut deep enough to leave a gap.
A wide yawn in that thesaurus full of desires
A skinny limb to those yellow, fading branches.

Empty the trash cans
the memories
the nothing-something stains, marks.

Erase, erase.
Cut and scrape.

And at last collapse
with a tired thud.

Drugged, intoxicated
Totally totally destroyed.
Totally broken.

मैं और सुबह

बेशर्म सी सुबह

मुंह उठाये चली आती है.

हर रोज़ -

बिना पूछे.

नेपथ्य में एक और दिन बीत जाता है

और उसके साथ ही एक संभावना.

बड़ी अजीब सी दुनिया है यहाँ

जहाँ किश्तों में ही ज़िन्दगी का रंग है

जहाँ तिल तिल कर जीना ही

एकमात्र सच है.

इसलिए बस एकदम ऐसे ही

तिल तिल कर आती है ज़िन्दगी

हर रोज़

बिना बुलाये

मेरे पास

सुबह की बासी उबासी में लिपटी

रात के सपनों का क़र्ज़ उठाये

शायद एक नई उम्मीद की खातिर

या शायद

ज़िन्दगी को जीने का बहाना बनाने.

कौन जाने क्या बला है

हर वह कल वाली सुबह

कल वाला ही दिन

कल वाली ही बात.

क्यों और मैं

शाम का धुंधलका.

खुली छत

बुढ़ाता आसमान

हल्की सी हवा

खड़ी मैं .

एक अजीब सी ज़िद

बिना बात की

गुत्थी सुलझाने की ज़िद.

कई क्यों के जवाब को

हर गली में छान मारती.

माथे पर बल

उछ्रिन्खल कल्पनाएँ

बनावटी धैर्य

एक फीकी मुस्कान में लपेटती

कई प्रश्नवाचक नज़रों का उत्तर.

पर मन संतप्त

उस क्यों के लिए बेचैन.

सिगरेट की आखिरी कश

लम्बी, खिंची सांस

सिगरेट का अंतिम सिरा

जला हुआ.

ध्यान भटका.

और इधर

उफ़!

हाथ जला.

अस्तित्वबोध!

Love is it? - Part five

ट्रेन जब स्टेशन पर रुकी तो रुचिका ने अपने बेटे को गोद में उठाते हुए एक चौकलेट थमा दिया. सामने रजनीगंधा के फूलों पे नज़र पड़ी तो अचानक अतीत के पन्नो से कुछ शब्द छिलक आये. कभी कभी सोचती हूँ कि जीवन के जिस जिस मोड़ को छोड़कर आगे बढने की कोशिश की है, क्या वे कभी टकराने की गुस्स्ताखी नहीं करेंगे? मिलना तो नहीं चाहती उन बीते, रीते लम्हों से, पर सोचती हूँ कि अगर कभी टकराकर मिल गई उस से तो क्या खुद को इस नई मैं में छ्पुती छुपाती उसे बिलकुल अपेक्षित कर पाऊँगी ?

"हवाओं की तरह तुम मुझसे मुखातिब हुए. दूर किसी पथरीले चट्टान पर, चुपचाप, मैं खड़ी हवाओं से बातें कर रही थी. तुमने अचानक मेरी मासूम दुनिया में दस्तक दिया.मैं थोडा अचकचाई, थोडा सा घबराई - पर कहीं ऐसा लगा जैसे ज़िन्दगी किसी अनुभव से टकरा गई हो. मेरा रोम रोम पुलकित था. न जाने मन में कैसे भाव उमड़ रहे थे. तुमने मुझे अपने आप से वाकिफ कराया. शायद मैं काफी अनजान थी. धीरे धीरे खुद को जानने और समझने लगी. अपने आप को पहचानने लगी. कल तक मैं जिंदगी जी रही थी. तुमसे मिलकर पता चला कैसे जी रही हूँ. कल तक मैं रिश्तों को समझती थी. तुमसे मिलकर उन्हें निभाने की सीख मिली. तुमने मुझे हर इंसान का महत्त्व समझाया. मैं स्वयं होकर भी स्वयं से सबको जोड़कर महसूस करने लगी. शायद काफी अजीब हो सब कुछ. पर मुझसे बिन कुछ कहे, तुमने मुझे काफी समझदार बना दिया. हमारी आपसी बात काफी कम हुई लेकिन तुम्हारे द्वारा कहे गए कुछ गिने चुने अल्फाज़ भी मेरी ज़ेहन में उतर गए. तुम दूर होकर भी हर पल मेरे पास खड़े मुस्कुराते रहते. और तुम्हे शायद पता न हो पर मैं स्मृतियों के पटल पर ही सही पर तुम्हारे आस पास मंडराती रहती. फिर जिस तरह सोपान दर सोपान तुमसे करीब हुई थी, उसी तरह कदम दर कदम खुद को तुमसे अलग करने की कोशिश करने लगी. तुमसे जुड़कर ही समझ पाई की हर बार पाना प्यार नहीं होता. वह तो निरा स्वार्थ होता है. किताबों में पढ़ा था की त्याग भी प्यार का ही एक रूप होता है. लेकिन मैंने त्याग नहीं किया. त्याग तो उसका किया जाता है जिसे कभी पाया गया हो. मैं तो यह भी नहीं जानती की तुम मुझसे जुड़े हो भी या नहीं. और हाँ मैं सांसारिक शब्दकोष में अपने एहसास को बांधकर खोना नहीं चाहती. धीरे धीरे मैंने तुमसे जुड़े हर एक निशाँ को मिटने की कोशिश की. कई बार लिखे शब्दों को दोबारा लिखा पर कोशिश की कि तुम्हारे शब्दों को, तुमसे जुड़े अल्फाजों को खुद से अलग कर दूँ. हाँ, यादें हैं जो नहीं जाती.कोशिश करुँगी कि वे भी कहीं किसी तरह गुम हो जाएँ. उन्हें भी कहीं दफना दूँ. सुना है वक़्त के साथ स्मृतियाँ भी धुंधली पड़ जाती हैं . शायद समय के इस अनवरत क्रम में तुम भी मेरे अतीत की अतल गहराइयों में समा जाओ. बस एक ही गुज़ारिश है, कोशिश करना कि मेरे अतीत से बाहर झांककर मेरे वर्तमान में दस्तक मत देना. मैं शायद एक बार फिर दोबारा अपने आप को संभाल न सकूँ. बड़ी मुश्किल से एक कदम उठाया है. इसके बाद शायद और हिम्मत न बची हो मुझमे.

इतनी दूर चले आने के बाद इसे पढ़कर साहिल ने बस इतना ही कहा, "बस एक बार कह तो दिया होता, रुचिका." और रुचिका ने एक लम्बे अन्तराल के बाद कहा, " साहिल, अगर तुम सब जानकर भी चुप रहे, तो यह प्यार नहीं एक प्रतिद्वन्द था. और मुझे बस तुम चाहिए थे. तुम्हारी जीत की शायद कद्र ही नहीं कर पाती मैं."

Love is it? - Part Four

This was due for a long time now. The February sun glided past on the veranda kissing the pillars and pilasters and shading the free expanse in a grey apparition. Radhika sat there knitting the complex threads of wool. A steel grey muffler it was. For Nishith.

They had met just twice. Only twice. But they knew each other like souls mates. Or this is what she thought. In this world distances of geography hardly matter. It all began on a silken Saturday.

Nishith had a way with words. He could write almost anything and let readers swoon to the rhythm. Radhika chanced upon the same one day and it all began. The interaction on world, life and everything that a writer could compose and an auditor could fathom. Radhika's lonely life after she lost Dhruv seemed to gain a new verve and meaning each evening on her laptop. But they never moved beyond the literary realms. There was a control and a sense of freedom in the mutual touch they shared on the fabric of the stories Nishith wrote. Fresh and new. Like minted dew. Like the sun each dawn.

Nishith's work went down in the final call up for the literary fest. Radhika learnt about it in the interview that happened on one of those lazy evenings after work. She got down the memory lane and searched for that one meaning that sociability offers. Recognition? Respect? Loneliness? Or plain evasion? A new way to efface one's self? She smiled and continued with the last few pages of Nishith's novel.

It was an informal corporate meet at her office that weekend. Radhika had to go despite herself. In an olive green dress and loose hair, she looked very much the spring that April. This is what Nishith said when he saw her. After inane, crisp introductions, Radhika realised Nishith's wife, Ambika was her company's lobbyist. Sipping the drink and stumbling out the remnants of their conversation on his blog, they let the party groove and move while time stood still on the stony porch they sat on.

"Goodbye, Nishith."

"Would you be my muse, Radhika?"

Radhika left for work early that Monday. Had a very tense and hectic week ahead. Driving down the roads of the maniacal city she learnt of the literary prize that embarked Nishith on his new journey to stardom. Life it is.

The reinvocation of the mythical Urmila in Nishith's text, the reincarnation of Krishna's Radha in his writings jolted Radhika's sleep into a steady delirium of her past with Dhruv. The memories of Dhruv's mother hugging her daughter-in-law tight when her son failed to turn up for her call or when Dhruv reverentially passed on all his property in Radhika's name before leaving for Spain - all seemed to soak her in the dew of her tears till early morn. And then she had Nishith's line in his novel to her rescue. "I want you to fight for me against me."

She felt like she is losing herself in the myriad hues of life - career, love, marriage, Dhruv and everything that life introduces as important and inalienable. Radhika became whatever they wanted her to be. Where she was in the roles she played, she seemed not to care a bit. A doting wife, a perfect daughter-in-law, a successful professional and many many more Radhikas emerged out of her closet with each demand. She gave herself away completely. As Nishith said, "You held all of them as willing prisoners in your personas, Urmila. Ever cared if you deserved a ground too?"

And she could just say,"Life is too short for installments, Nishith."

The kind of rarity she felt in his company came with a lot of silent distance. The odd thing about the kind of conversation they had was that there was so much unsaid in the said and said in the unsaid that gradually the nothings acquired lot more meanings than somethings spoken and discussed. Perhaps it was the charm of the unknown, the unexplored, the untouched that had her acquiesce to the strange emotion between them. It was a coming together of the simple spilled realities into the two separate lives they lived, in two separate columns of the world.

Nishith was a successful writer. The paparazzi seemed to offer him a lonely respite from the constant evasion of his self and its effacement in the fabric he wove in his works. While Radhika accepted the same as her warm quilt, Nishith discarded each shred of his longing in those fine curvatures of expressions. Yes, they fit so well.

It was another warm Sunday when Radhika sat in her garden, overlooking the wide entrance of her house, reading the few pages of Nishith's new novel. She was all in tears, lapping up each word that spilled out in the frozen moment as blood drops on the ethereal, white snow. She allowed each of those to drench her in her commitment to the life she swore she would offer herself. For once it was not a symbol but a structure, a definite solved problem of suspended tension, of balance, of security in the counterthrusts.

She was convinced she wanted her reality now. Real like a naked need. Not like a surrender or an obeisance but like a willing capture of herself in Dhruv's soul. Like an embrace out of her complete acceptance of her own being. Not the hopeless erasure of the ego when you love someone but the very clear understanding and recognition of the 'i' when she could say, "i love you"...even for once, if at all - without any demand, any expectation, any care, any desire of mutual reciprocation.

When Dhruv left her to face the world here, she discovered the truth behind pulling the house together all this long - the abundance with which she had sacrificed herself in her devotion for everything Dhruv was. The surplus 'love' and extravagant emotions she felt all this while appeared vulgar and contemptuous to the integrity she had, she desired, she knew she commanded. With that one goodbye, she let herself close in a corked bottle, lid shut with a final snap. She knew that she failed in keeping Dhruv to her by letting him go free, by allowing herself the luxury of unsurpassable trust on her own dutiful love. She failed in fathoming that love is never only duty or devotion. Perhaps that is why she could never love because everytime she tried, her 'i' melted into his oblivious existence.

Nishith's words gave her a fragrance of discovery. A compulsive impulse and an intuitive power to decide her fate - all on her own, for once. She read Dhruv's mail again. Visualised him exactly as he would have said, "I am coming back, Radhika. Love."

Moments erase merciless memories. Or this is what one has heard them say. Do they erase or do they merely lighten the charcoaled markings? The intense pain and dilemma behind forcing that smile on a creased, papery face - past innocence fades with time.

"Is my feigned smile enough to allow him to love me and for me to tolerate being loved in return? For godsake, can one ever get rid of love by any means of closure, at any negotiable price or unnegotiable compulsion? Or is this closure life itself? A finalised beginning? Can love acquire newer forms?"

Radhika and Dhruv together visited Nishith for his party. She clutched him tightly. Dhruv gave him one reassuring look and that itself said everything she had ever wanted to hear. His lips opened to mumble something when she stopped him and went to Nishith.

"Meet your muse, Nishith. You fulfilled her, unknowingly."

Dhruv smiled at Radhika, rediscovering her and his love. Radhika threw a parting glance at Nishith and wrapped the muffler around his neck. Thereafter, together they walked in the rains of life, beating sunshine and braving the winds.

It came with the winds. Like a breeze that had always nursed it along its curling spine. Like a desire too strong to be resisted. Like a loss as soon as one finds something. Like Radhika would say, "I love you, Dhruv." Like Dhruv would say, " Where were you for so long, Radhika?" Like Nishith would say, " I would never lose you Radhika. I could never find you to be able to say so."

Like all these spilled realities nourish themselves from above. Like one loves and loses, time and again.

मौन और शब्द

• • • • • कोई चुप्पी मौन नहीं होती.

          चीखते उद्गारों पे लगा प्रतिबन्ध होता है मौन.

          
          

          शब्दों की अजीब नगरी में छुपा सच होता है मौन

          शांत, गंभीर विशेषणों की चाशनी में आरोपित

          किसी अल्हड़ व्यक्तित्व का सच होता है मौन .

          हर विस्मृत की गई आवाज़ की अनुगूंज होता है मौन .

          
          

          शब्द मात्र छलावा है

          धोखा, फरेब , झूठ .

          सृजन मात्र है उन तरकीबों का

          जिनसे मौन पर पर्दा डाला जा सके ,

          जिनसे इंगित चेष्टाओं के गाम्भीर्य पे

          मतलब की बात थोपी जा सके .

          
          

          शब्द बांध नहीं पाते

          जज़्बात और आरोपित लक्ष्य को .

          मात्र असफल कोशिश होते हैं शब्द

          मन से गुण को पाटने वाले संकरे पुल

          जहाँ सिद्धांतो के चढ़ावे पे

          भेंट चढ़ जाती हैं कई अभिव्यक्तियाँ .

          
          

          जैसे परदेस में बहते आंसू

          सिसकियों की भाषा नहीं बन पाते

          वो टूट जाते हैं

          निस्सार सामाजिक संबोधनों में .

          
          

          वैसे ही जैसे वो मजबूत कंधे

          नहीं बन पाते बिखरे उन केशों का आलंबन .

          जैसे शर्माती सर्दियों की धूप

          नहीं चूम पाती पूरे आँगन को .

          
          

          शब्द होते ही हैं अपूर्ण

          मौन का एक लघु , पेचीदा परिचय .

          
          

          मौन होता है सच

          शब्द चीखता असत्य ...